Wednesday, July 16, 2008

transparency.

Where is that line. It's something I've always struggled with. When to put yourself out there and when to sit aside and quietly watch. I do both too frequently.

My heart is breaking tonight. The #1 reason. I don't think I can go to an orphanage. I don't think I can do it. Will me being there make a difference? Why is there such a thing as an orphanage anyway? Honestly? It rips my heart out. Soon I will learn that it isn't a far away thought.

How many times I have heard of starving children in far away lands that I could send the remainder of my unfinished dinner to. I remember seeing the photos of the Holocaust in Jr. High, wondering how it could happen. My heart beating in pain for their faces and torment.

What about an 8 year old little girl selling herself for bread to feed her siblings. What did she do to deserve it? I turn my cheek at her pain, and as I do, she contracts HIV and dies within 3 years. The orphanages already too full for her and her sisters. The drugs too expensive for her parents and now her.

Things are tough sometimes. We have dealt with stinky deep water. I didn't have to drink it. So many times we turn our backs on justice, saying America needs us here. And they do. America needs Jesus.

I don't think it's a dream. I don't think it's a donation. I don't think it's a mission. It's simply justice. It's not about our leftovers.

So you say: what are you doing?? I don't know. But I do know that there are kids out there who simply want someone to tell them they are loved and that God has a purpose and a plan for them. Here and in Africa. My heart turns inside, because I feel as I do nothing. Some days I just want to pack and go. I want to go to the drug representatives as Moses did to Pharaoh and say: Let God's people go! Delivering them from politics and profits. But most days I just wait on Him.

Guess I am a dreamer. Hey, I have something to add to my bucket list. When I have it all worked out, I'll get back to you.

Thanks for listening. I'll let you know about the trips to the orphanages.

7 comments:

Chris @ Come to the Table said...

I am sitting up late tonight, not able to sleep, we are leaving tomorrow. I have been praying for the team and then I read this...

God is at work! He is preparing you for so much more than you can even imagine. I pray that you will rest and let your heart receive all that He has for you. He has set you apart and called you by name to accomplish His good work. He will use your passion, compassion, and willingness to do so much. Let Him! And GO.. ministering to the orphans will be hard, but remember we were all once orphans until He saved us. God loves those children and has not forgotten about them. It is through you and Josh and the others that He will show forth His love.

Heth said...

Thank you for being transparent. And Amen to everything that Chris said.

Sarah@Life in the Parsonage said...

Mel, you will be able to do the orphanages...you don't have to do it alone, you are annointed for this purpose, His strength and power is resting upon you. It is so evident.

Praying for you my friend, as you walk through this hard, hard stuff...for being His hands and feet.

Beefy said...

Oh, Mel. Oh. Oh.

You have touched my heart more than you will know.

Praying for you - strength and confidence in Him. Love you.

Michelle Gibilisco said...

Mel,
Much will come of this trip. You may feel helpless when you are there but think of both sides of this trip. One, to help the people of Bulgaria and share God's joy. Two, making sure you share their story when you get back. I already know you'll do some cool things with their thoughts and prayers when you get back to the states. But that is also when the true internal struggles will begin. I'm thinking of you guys. I'm hoping you have a great camera. Have you checked out the photo books you can make and then sell? You could raise money for them with books of their photos when you get back. Ok, I'll stop now or I'll ramble on and on! Love you guys!

momzie said...

there is such a beautiful humility about you. remember that when things are birthed, there is labor. your struggles to get your mind and heart around this call are labor pains. but just as in childbirth, work with it.
i can't wait to see what God does with such a willing heart.

Angela said...

You are awesome. I can't wait to hear about your trip. If you come back; we may just be sending your kids out to you.