wordless wednesday.

Ramblings about Moolah.

I've never actually taken Financial Peace University. I think there is probably a lot of truth in it. Truth's that enable believers to walk in freedom from the bondage of debt. I have almost been beaten for questioning it.. for asking tough questions about it... because those that the process has worked for wholeheartedly believe in the program- yet makes me question the whole "peace" thing.. :)

So here is my deal.
We live in a town where resources are a little less limited for many families.
It has made me question finances and God's role in ours. We have tried to remain debt free, but reality is: we just moved & Josh went under the knife.. :)

Money is a strange concept to me. To one, it means a nice lunch and the other life. And where is that burden vs guilt? Do faithfullness and logic go hand in hand in finances?
Sometimes I just think I have things figured out. Then I realize I NEVER will. That without the Spirit's thought process.. that Im still in high school huffing something.

I think Im wrapping this up. My point: I need to rip off the hat that I wear that ties me to this world's logic. Is 1+1=2..?? Perhaps the argument for creationism is really revealed in arithmetic. It doesn't matter how hard that I try to pile my store house.. that MY efforts will not change this world.

Who am I working for..?
Yesterday at a beverage bar- the kids mixed soda with coffee flavorings. It tasted like a really bad mixed drink.. it was :) Nasty.
How often do I wear faith mixed with this world's logic & create something that you just want to gag on?

We can live as much in the bondage of logic as debt.

John 6:27 Don't work for the food that perishes but for the food that lasts for eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you, because God the Father has set His seal of approval on Him.

His dreams align with His resources.
Did Mary have the resources to mother a child? She was vulnerable and yet completely equipped. (And completely nuts to the world around her.)

The Ride: youve never thought that i was normal.

I have started and started and started a zillion new posts. But then I retreat in fear of my brutal honesty and lack of cute wittiness. Warm sweet fuzzy posts vs our life is a ROLLER COASTER!!? hum..

But it is.. isn't it? One day God is present and you see Him and feel Him even in the midst of pain, you can find that sweetness.. And then the next you leave the library with an overload of emotions, hormones, fears, and vow to those big shining eyes- we will NEVER return here again. These children are so doomed.
No really.. they are.

I will NOT tell you.. that as I type the eldest son is riding a water board thingy.. on my bed with sunglasses and a winter coat. There is no hope..

Ok.. bad to brutal honesty. (kicking the trick performer outside)
I don't think that I've ever felt this desperate, vulnerable, lonely, and yet expectant..
I've kicked, I've fought, I've wrestled.. and maybe just maybe someday I'll get the whole Freedom thing..

But as for right now, this moment: It's still a ride.

We are approaching the top.. anticipating.. almost over the edge... butterflies in the stomach.. lunch surfacing.. hands starting to sweat... foot pressing against the seat, it's coming ....

wait...

last bump...

Ok NOW!
THROW UP YOUR ARMS

Surrender.
and enjoy the ride.

( & here is where your eyeballs are bulging out, your heart is pounding.. somewhere between eating bugs and your head jolting back and forth.. it's kinda fun and you know we are going to make it.. )

Craig

One year later.

I've spent the past few weeks walking through so much that I have been too hard to see.

And God has been jacking with me.

But right now. This moment, I want to remember. Remember the gift and the joy and the laughter.

I want to remember him. The hell of a big brother that he was. The kinda of brother that every little girl should have. The kind that have your back and come to your rescue.

I want to remember the last ride he gave me, clinging tightly to his back. The freedom and the trust that I felt. The way that my kids loved him.. and the way that he loved them. The way he made fun of Josh.. making him his brother.

He was always on an adventure. His life was an adventure.

Today I am broken.
Yet clinging to the freedom and joy of a risen Savior.

an apology to my friend

It was if you were a secret hidden on windy road (..not that I had difficulties finding you..) aligned perfectly with a priceless lake side view to the North, hemmed in beautifully in by a gently flowing stream and playground on your West, and overshadowed by mature trees swaying on your East.

It is obvious that your creator carefully planned all the details of you, the joy that would come to all those who climbed the hill and entered your gates.

Not just any swimming pool.. set on a hill with the sunshine beating down.
At one time, you would have been the Caribbean of Arkansas.
But beauty is fleeting.
And every"thing" is replaced...
well... except you.

Today.. I just wanted to apologize.
Today we didn't see the glory of your youth. We didn't smell the freshly painted sign and crisp chlorine. The deck aligned with chairs in a row. The kids waiting.. anticipating your first opening.

When we arrived, you already seemed depressed.

Was it the lifeguards.. or the lack thereof?
Or the did the toddlers going off the diving boards bring you anxiety?
The free for all diving pit.. where kids and survivors are sorted??
Was the toilet mint smell nauseating you?
Or the dozens of leaves floating through your once sparkling water??
Did they push you over the edge when they insulted you with a playground slide, hooked up with water lines.... rather than investing in your future??
I guess I just can't pinpoint it.

But then, I feel like I deserted you when you needed me most.
Or.. is "it" something you're just used to??
How embarrassing for you.
Children, adults, everyone staring at "it".
Trying to decipher what "it" is.
And fleeing your water... how did they even notice a "sinker" in the midst of the floaters??

I didn't do it.. I swear... I mean my kids didn't.
Honestly.. two swimming suits are in our garbage cause our sinker happened before the adventure.

You sat there all lonely.
Dirty, contaminated.. deserted.
We couldn't bring ourselves to get back in.
Even when they drowned you in chemicals.. ( is that possible?)
Well. honestly.. Bel did get in... but your makeshift slide intrigued her.

And then we left.
and went across the road to the stream filled with other natural sinkers..
when not knowing is better.

Please forgive me.

And thank you.. for you have shown me Arkansas can't be that different from Africa.

the great move

i woke up one morning.. thinking i was still dreaming

cause something was definitely strange..

*buy gum!*

i was in arkansas.

it still has a really strange ring to it... i live in arkansas.

and apparently i have a strange ring as well... cause ive been gettin: "youre not from around here.. are ya??"

there's a lot of things that i miss.

like two little girls in matching swimsuits at the pool, hyvee.. oh how i love thee.., and wait.. digital dog pound -ive wanted to howl i miss you so, and then the heritage days parade- im missin my year supply of hot cocoa...

.....did i ever tell you that my dad brought home boxes and boxes and boxes of hot cocoa when i was little.. and driving past carnation (as it will always remain) on just the right days when the sugar is so heavy in the air makes me grin because the memories are so sweet...

but im rambling....

we are indeed not in the cornfields anymore..

i present to you.. without the whiskers on kittens..

my favoritest things thus far:

noah has big news.

ain't she just the cutest thing??

it's every girl's dream is to walk down the isle to the starwars theme song..

single sort recycling.

it has stolen my heart. nothing more needs said.

Woody

This little guy was hand picked by my loving husband. Isn't he just the best??

It's arkansas...

Worm guts chased by ice cream.

The best.

Making for richer dinner conversation than gas prices.

You have to come visit to see the little inmate run across the screen dragging his ball and chain..

Meet Sam and Rachel

Isabel's Stow away Salamanders.

Again.. Josh's preaching on chlorination has revealed truth. Not the rich life of Randal.

But she is sporting the "look" well..

But Arkansas didn't do this:

Revealing somethings don't change...

He's kicking my butt..

i am have been so challenged this week.

God is doing havoc with my heart. it seems that in every single emotion i face he pushes me to replace the "me" with "Him".. and this girl has a lot of emotion.

i have been blessed to meet one of the most amazing men. Andy and his wife and son are missionaries in north africa. in the desert. in the dark. in a muslim country. where the name of Jesus can not be said.

but it is.

and because it is.. one of his closest friends and labors in the field.. was pulled from his car and shot.. and killed...

a father of four..
a son..
a husband..
a friend..
a brother...

and in mourning there is dancing..

because a seed was planted and not held onto tightly.. it will not longer be dead.. but grow and be fruitful and multiply.

the blood of the martyr is the seed of the church..

i have never met someone that doesn't fear death as Andy.
and i wonder how can he go back? yet instead of a long life.. he longs for a full life.

i want a faith like that.

please pray for north africa. God is setting captives free.