Tonight I stood behind a beautiful Bosnian family at stuff mart. Apparently, they too needed plastic bags filled with stuffs. I realized how little I know about why they fled to America, about their story. As I asked them, the language barrier soon deterred our conversation. Yet their infant son's beautiful eyes and smile spoke more than a thousand words.
I was at T's house the first time I heard about Bulgaria. I had just told her that we weren't moving, seems God hadn't open the door that even the loudest prayer and cries couldn't knock down. We were empty. It had been an emotionally long haul. I was ready to hibernate for a few years, do some rethinking. We knew that had been obedient, yet strangely the result wasn't our goal or vision. Relieved in some aspects, confused in others. But without any direction at all.
Her basic response was: "Great, you should go to Bulgaria. I'll keep the kids."
At first I thought she was just insane. I didn't even know where Bulgaria was.
And so I stewed. For a long time. I think Josh was convinced way before me. I had already thrown myself into one thing, I wasn't about to jump into something else. I have wanted to go on a mission's trip since I was around 8, before I even had a mission. But to Bulgaria? We committed our hearts a few years ago to a trip and it was cancelled. Then there were the finances. Did I mention that I spent the past summer packing and planning, only to unpack?? So it went back and forth.
Basically it came down to this little nudge, knowing that God asked me to go. I didn't know why. I didn't know what I could offer. I didn't even know for sure that I could trust God.
I checked with T again about the kids, seeing if she was for reals about this: I will take and care for and love your children. And with Shawn. Then, I knew that they were insane.
I guess we were a go...
I tell you this all because it has been insane. The emotions of leaving the kids, the planning (want a dog?), the finances, and then the flood thingy. But mainly insane: God's love and how He lavishes Himself on us. I tell you that I have light understanding of God and how He works, because I really really do. There is no tangible logic to how everything has and continues to work out.
I read of a man in Africa who ran an orphanage and when asked how He knew without doubt that God would provide and bless it, he said, "He has to, it's all for Him, it's all for His glory." Yes, he had struggles, he had sacrifices, and continues to. But God moved.
In Bulgaria, we will be running a VBS, visiting orphanages, hospitals, having services, and ministering to the gypsy culture. I know exactly one word of Bulgarian. Yet, it didn't seem to matter to the little Bosnian guy that I met earlier. I am unqualified. And yet I know that whatever God has started in me, He will complete.
I am so not a confident person. Basically a big dork as most of you know. But I know that this work that He has established is for Him, for His glory alone.
I am so anxious to see their faces, to know their homeland, to see their stories. To share with them my story. How I became a daughter of a king and my prayer, to see others join the family.
Did I mention to you that I got a pretty new shiny backpack at stuffmart, well actually Target, but it's like stuffmart in the way of stuff. So, I am good to go! Well, except for those head pillow wrap things for the plane, which I am not sure that I am sold on... and it's 2 am and I think I have had too much starbucks...