Stellan

i don't know how many of you have been following Stellan's story. his little life has been a roller coaster and yet huge testimony of God's faithfulness. tomorrow the little man is going on a plane ride from mn to boston to have surgery on his heart. maja's heart has embraced him for months and months.. will you join her in praying for him in the upcoming days & for his mommy and daddy and brothers and sister??

I love this verse.. it's Phil 4:13 in the message:

Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the

One who makes me who I am.

the funniest thing ever.

sometimes in ones life they just need a father's loving hand to guide them along.
my dad was numero uno @ practical jokers.. & i know quite a few pros
((paint a picture in your mind of a goat locked in one's vehicle.. ruthless i say..))
but being since i have begged him for advice and he refuses to answer..

i NEED your help.
seriously people.
i have been nailed this winter.
with forks.. car paint.. toilet paper... a Solar santa.. ((don't ask))
and really..
im lame.
i can't come up with anything..
i mean that's REALLY good.
like pee your pants good...

ADVICE???
i mean not that i believe in revenge or anything.. but i need some type of strategy here...
humm.

Lugazi

That night will be etched into my mind permanently.
It was in a little town called Lugazi.
We were physically, emotionally, and Spiritually exhausted.
We were saddened by the friendships and security we said good-bye to.. to go onto another step of our journey.
It was late.
It was dark.
I was stretched beyond my comfort when a man outside our hotel was pretending to be mad.
Did I mention it was really dark?
As we went up the stairs flight after flight.. above the little bar called a hotel.. my heart flooded with fear.
Only to be followed by a flood of tears when we saw our room and the bars covering the windows.
I missed my children.
Would we ever see them again?
It was an adventure when we were hidden in a team.. but we were alone.. in Africa.
Outside the the sounds of footsteps outside our door.. occasionally grabbing the handle.. and shaking it.. ((like heth's axe murderer))
I wanted Kampala.
I wanted the airport.
I wanted America.
I wanted anything except right there right then.
I was ready to bail.
Did I tell you it was really really dark?
We had to trust.
We had to believe.
We HAD to.
We had to cling to the hope that morning was coming.
And so we stared into the tattered net above our head.. and cried out.. and faithfully morning came.

Right now the vision isn't real clear in our life.
It's a season of weird change.
I'd be a loser if I didn't say sometimes I feel like it's Lugazi.
There are times when I am encompassed in fear and drained in exhaustion.
When nothing really makes sense.
When the standard of the world around us mocks us and I just don't understand.
When I want to bail on His plan.
And write my own story.
Which would include a feather bed and jacuzzi.
Cause sometimes I just forget. It was an honor to be right there right then.
To see and meet and be part of His'.
It wasn't warm and fuzzy. I didn't understand.
But He did.
And He didn't abandon us there.
And He won't here.
I get really excited when I know it HAS to be HIM.
When there is none of us.
And that either makes complete sense or I like the madman outside the hotel.
As the security is stripped away.. and the comfort dissipating..
and every step to freedom in Him seems completely jacking with my heart.
He reminds me to walk in joy that morning is coming.
To trust.
And Believe.

Gus

Truth is.. it takes a special dog to have a family like us. No one could ever leave digested underwear in the yard as beautifully as you and never have i seen a dog so graceful on the trampoline. I know it's been a love-hate relationship.. kinda like Chumley..but it's really hard to say good-bye.
You have so much potential.. and somehow get lost in the chaos of us. We are pretty stinkin nutso even without you..
And yet you have helped us though the toughest year of our life. You have helped us mourn.. sometimes made us cry..
and stinking made us laugh all the time.
I know.. I know.. I'm getting sappy.
In many ways you became a part of this dysfunctional.. ever changing.. never grounded family.
Yet tomorrow night you'll sleep in normal life.
I know that God placed you in our life for these days.
And even in the life of a dog.. He knows your next.
So be good.
Show them Tina is wrong.. you CAN sit..
*when you want*
and enjoy it buddy.
know that we love you.
Love mom.

i was *almost* absolutely sure that when my feet hit Bulgarian soil that i would be filled with the ability to communicate well ..complete with a beautiful accent. i don't think it was as great of a disappointment as the night our bus left a gypsy village.. my cheek pressed against the snot decorated glass.. sobbing in my unworthiness and my lack of ability to heal a child.

under the powerful sun as i held tightly the most beautiful baby.. traveling down the red dirt roads of Uganda somewhere in the lush green i believed i would discover a clear vision balanced with passion and ta-da:::: *direction*

it's been a long night.. and i have pretty much drowning in my own shadow of fear, pain, selfishness, & hurt. it's not working. i want out.

i am humbled in Him.

interview with Oli

1. What is something mommy always says to you? "don't get out of your bed!!"
2. What makes mommy happy? "staying in my bed and going to sleep"
3. What makes mommy sad? "me getting out of my bed and not going to sleep"
4. How does your mommy make you laugh? "doing funny stuff... like sticking your tongue and stuff and making funny faces."
5. What was your mommy like as a child? "i don't know.. same look... like- i don't know.."
6. How old is your mommy? "like 65.."
7. How tall is your mommy? "like 76 like yah.. just 76."
8. What is her favorite thing to do? "play guitar hero.."
9. What does your mommy do when you're not around? "playing the computer"
10. If your mommy becomes famous, what will it be for? "for doing good stuff and giving money to people"
11. What is your mommy really good at? "guitar hero and eating chocolate"
12. What is your mommy not very good at? "cleaning Gus poop outside"
13. What does your mommy do for a job? "clean the house up"
14.What is your mommy's favorite food? "potatoes i think .... and pears" ((??))
15.What makes your mommy proud of you? "being good doing my chores and cleaning the tv room really good"
16. If your mommy were a cartoon character, who would she be? "a guitar hero girl or yoshi or link"
17. What do you and your mommy do together? "good stuff like play guitar hero together and play the computer together and eat popcorn and watch movies and leave on trips."
18. How are you and your mommy the same? "we both like r2d2"
19. How are you and your mommy different? "im naughtier and youre gooder"
20. How do you know your mommy loves you? "cause our heart knows."
21. What does your mommy like most about your daddy? "Getting eggs for you"
22. Where is your mommy's favorite place to go? "i think pablos or panera"

it's funny, in africa i felt closer to craig than i have since he left. perhaps it was the crazy motor cycle ride on top of the couch...

my heart breaks for a friend who has lost her best friend. and parents that aren't holding their little man tonight. it makes me feel unjustified that my heart is broken.

he held me instead of my dad the evening of our wedding and i covered his shoulder with snot. there isn't a day that doesn't go by that i don't long to dance with him again.

i feel as i have lived the past months in a daze.. that somehow some way i will awake. thinking that i should do something, become something.

and He keeps telling me to rest in Him.

to hide in Him.

i can't believe it's been six months ago tonight.

i miss you.. you big butthead.