Light Understanding

A Wasted 2 Bucks

2011-09-21T11:22:00.001-07:00

One of the last times I shared with my brother Craig was at Valleyfair. I payed a boy at a booth to guess my age, I thought it was so awesome that despite having five children he guessed me younger than I was. Somehow he built my confidence and then gave me a stupid blow up bat. Craig laughed at me, he knew it was a waste of time. Three years later, the bat sits my closet and I have aged.

The past few years have kicked by butt in so many ways, showing wear emotionally and physically aging. My heart breaks still anticipating Craig's broad shoulders walking in with a big grin. Today I'm not really ok. It really sucks.

But that is what happens when you love someone, and it's worth it. Not everyone in life receives that love, I've seen it rejected too many times. There is a whole lotta crappy things formed out of fear, including mine.

It's funny how times doesn't make things better, just different. You'd think I would have figured it out by now, but honestly I keep focusing on the end party- it's all I have.

I am thankful for big brothers who have always had your back. For the Lord whipping my snot covered floor while I'm on my knees. I am thankful my confidence and value isn't in found in a booth at Valleyfair, but in His arms. For without it, I'm jacked.

Craig, you're deeply missed. I love you big bro.

A New Vehicle..

2011-09-15T06:33:00.000-07:00

We finally said goodbye to the old van. The "new"/different one- it's nice. The only detail though that's really important is that there is room for one more seat. Shouldn't it be filled??

http://www.pulaskicountyadoptioncoalition.com/

http://www.bethany.org/littlerock/international-adoption-info?gclid=CJib9ISvn6sCFUdrKgodB37VjA

http://www.allgodschildren.org/adoption/bulgaria/?gclid=CP6Nzpivn6sCFUEUKgodixHEiQ

"A New Highway..."

2011-09-14T06:49:00.000-07:00

A year ago I posted that we were going on a "New Highway". It hasn't been a new highway, it's been a lot of new highways, some filled with potholes, some on the left side of the road, and others with steep winding hills. We started our trip with a map of our highway and not too far in, it blew out the window. Sketched on it were my ideals, my visions, my dreams, all left on the dancing down the highway trampled my passing cars. Leaving our family guided by only the compass in our vehicle.

Before you knew it, we went places that we never planned. On roads that were barreled off. Some were completely submersed in fear. There were other with huge road blocks, still the compass told us to continue through. And others that weren't finished and I was tempted to just see where it lead, only to have to turn around and again listen to the compass.

There have been breakdowns and times where we almost gave up and pushed it all over the cliff.

Still, at times the beauty was so overwhelming, as if no one had ever traveled the road before and it was paved just for us. Even so, we were tempted multiple times to stop and ask for directions, or just pick up a laminated new and shinny map. But, we weren't sure anymore of our destination. If we only had a starting point and an end point, we could use technology, all around us are means to figure it out in the world. But, it won't take us there when we are unsure of where we are going. As much as we didn't know where there was going to be yesterday, we don't know the there for tomorrow as well.

We used to look for an end in sight as we drove along, and we would love to let you in on our inclusive destination. See, we have places we would love to re-travel, areas left unseen, but we are not sure if they are part of this trip. Truth is, we have no idea the territory left to cover before us. So we will just keep on driving along, just following the compass..

New Highway

2010-09-13T21:26:00.000-07:00

We are moving- I say "we" cause I would really like to get Josh and the kids to share with you too.. but we are heading over to wordpress.. you can find us here:

http://sharknbake.wordpress.com

:) mel

2010-07-19T11:25:00.000-07:00

Hello out there..

I guess I haven't had much to say lately.. ;) It's been a weird season.. of sorting some stuffs out..

BUT today id just like to reflect on

New born babies
And black eyes from the swimming pools
and church cookbooks
AND home town parades
And Hope
and crazy aunts
and the old faithful HAT that never leaves Noah's head
AND faithful friends
and library reading programs
AND the grandpa pushing A out on the cart at Fareway
and salamanders
AND five suitcases from place to place
and Nate's message on Grace.

God's been working on this mess.. i am so grateful that He is. I dont know how thankful that ive been lately.

But today, Im thankful that im His.

bizarre...

2010-05-13T12:13:00.000-07:00

This video thoroughly prepared us for our trip to Bulgaria.

The kids and I have been researching the culture within Trinidad & Tobago. Where did we go again for solid information? YouTube.

I guess that Bizarre Foods isn't really a great starting place. Five little kids watching Mr. Zimmern catch and cook iguana & mussels, then chase them with pigs tails, cow skin soup, and chicken feet doesn't REALLY prepare them, does it? Does it.. ? Will we really become "trini-s"?

I mean it's one think to live in a culture, but to immerse ones self in the culture is another step.

Josh tried really hard this week. We drove to look at a station wagon. It was if we were the lead characters in some really weird movie. I have tried to put it into words, but I Can't.. Let's just say it's a whole nother world in the hills of Arkansas.

And then... I realized as we headed back home that the white headed figures I saw on roadside a few weeks ago were not some secret meeting of pointed headed alive types, but indeed garden gnomes. Phew.. Note that it was LATE, and raining, and my mom wouldn't let me turn around..

Last night at youth we talked about compasses & maps.

Although we would all love a map, most of the time God gives us only a compass and leaves us with uncharted territory :)

Art in the Trenches

2010-05-06T18:57:00.000-07:00

During WWI Edward Stinn was a young man in the trenches in the middle of France. Amidst the sounds, smells, and fears he found himself carving into the artillery shells, creating art masterpieces, pieces of himself. He was my grandfather.

Ralph Winter writes of a ship named the Queen Mary who was designed as a beautiful luxury cruise liner. During WWII she was converted into a battle ship carrying men across the ocean. It was designed to carry 3,000 passengers, converted to carry 15,000 soldiers. From peace time to war time.

Are we expectant of the fine silverware and lush feather beds or are we bunked with brothers that we are willing to fight for the purpose before us if it means our life? If it means survival of more, less for us? Is it peace time or war time?

I don't always understand what is going on behind the scenes. Apparently, I think that God should have assigned me a commander & allow me to call things how they are. But, sometimes in war our perception can be the enemy's greatest ally.

He reminds me that this war is already won, although the battles continue. Am I willing to fight for what I believe? Fight past self gain and self pity? Am I rejoicing in the trenches; in the fear, in the chaos, in the dark quietness.. Do I understand that this is His war & that I have somehow throughout all time in grace I been written into it? Am I making Art in the Trenches to bring Him glory?

Watch out, maybe I'll design a tatoo & have my own art up my arms.. that'll get em talking...

I won't tell you about the butterflies tats that I designed in high school for Josh & I.. ;)

Chuck.

2010-03-29T17:11:00.000-07:00

My kids Love Chuck.
I had a cat named Chuck once.
He was actually my dad's cat. Well actually my cat that became my dad's cat.

I am excited.
The wheels have been starting to turn in prep for Trinidad...
It's exciting.

Oliver loves Chuck.
Chuck loved my dad.
My dad was a crazy guy.
I miss him.
He would have watched Chuck with Oliver.

Im excited.
Mainly cause I know it's God and not me.
Trinidad. Not Chuck.

We are entering a season where there are so many things that need to happen to make it happen.
But it's God making it happen.
So that's exciting.

So is Chuck.

12 years and counting...

2010-03-14T18:18:00.000-07:00

It's been an adventure. The last dozen years or so.
I am thankful for it.
I am thankful for the hard times that encompass me with fears,
which make me drop to my knees vulnerably.
I am thankful for the silly times and more importantly the silly people.
I am thankful for Josh.
That he is crazy in love with a real Christ.
And trusts Him.
With his relationships.
And his family.
I am thankful for the lonely times.
and the scared times.
And the times of extreme heart-wrenching pain.
For it will make me fully understand the Glory of the Lord when I see Him face to face.
And I am thankful for the minutes not yet flown by.
I pray that they may be an investment in His Glory.

I have hesitantly been holding back my excitement in the next stage of this story.

Im not sure why.

But..
We are heading here next fall.

and the following nine months we get to live cross culturally and become part of a new school which trains and raises up leaders to GO.

Why? that's here.

Please pray for us as all the pieces come together :)

drop in visit..

2010-02-15T10:35:00.000-08:00

it's really no fun when you don't have occasional drop in visits. so we brought one to you..

greetings from an independent little girl in an independence day dress. she is having a picnic if you were wondering.

what this photo doesn't capture is her mommy running around the yard with her camera, talking to her husband on the phone, coaxing a little white dog back into the house with a treat.

we try to do school. henri tries.

i think noah's trying. not sure about that.

note the number of books (&coffee) at the table and lack of children.

you have to use the potty? don't be frightened by the sectapus. he's friendly. unless you try to take his legs.

the backyard.. yes we still have the Christmas tree.. complete with dress shoes and duct tape.

oliver takes a brief break to send his love. yes.. this is a necessary part of kindergarten. im not sure that he would get out of his jammies for a real visit, but he will share his games.. happy monday!

a question worth answering..

2010-02-02T21:12:00.001-08:00

I have been asked this question more than once the past year or so:

Why would you go on "missions" trips when there are so many needs here in America?

In all honestly and immaturity, most of the time this question surfaces, I've wanted to roll around on the ground, kicking my legs in a tantrum until they just leave me alone. Not because I didn't want to answer, but because often I have felt like they didn't want my answer.

So here you have it. It's the long and short of my heart -messed up with a whole bunch of stuff God has been revealing to me in Perspectives.

WHY?..
There was this man- we will just call him Abe. Abe was blessed by God. The reason that he was blessed was that he in turn would be a blessing to the nations of the world.. & that they would worship God.
There was Isaac, there was Jake. Jake became Israel, Israel became a great multitude, and wham, God blessed Israel- so that Israel would be a blessing.. to the nations, cause God's heart is that He would receive worship from every nation..
That is God's plan; that in the end a multitude will be worshiping from every tribe and nation.
Then it was God-Israel-Nations.
WHY was Israel blessed; God blessed Israel so that it would be a light to the nations. God's plan is for All peoples.. to worship Him.

So then there was Jesus. Jesus was a lead character in the gospels, along with the Pharisees. The third set of characters are the disciples caught in the middle.. sorting things out.
The Pharisees had it mental; they forgot their bless-er.
& they thought were special, that those pork eating uncircumcised bad bad people couldn't be in on the "God plan."
and Jesus did things all backwards and not according to their expectations.
So God skipped over "Israel" and replaced it with the "church"
So now it's something like
God-Church-Nations
God blesses His church so that it can be a light to the nations, &.. all Worship Him.

I know it's kinda scrappy wrote. But go & look for yourself.. look for His glory through the nations. from the promise to Abe in Genesis woven through to Rev 7:9..

I love America. I love my family & I love Panera. I love my bed. I love my friends. Did I mention that I love Panera?
The church in America has been blessed, but what happens when we no longer are a blessing to the nations? When we forget our bless-er, simply maintaining our blessing? What happened in the old testament with Israel or the Pharisees?

How often do we act in fear and question the above in our own lack of action in America or elsewhere?

Our speaker tonight was great, the class is awesome, he wrapped it up with this illustration:
If you are a Mormon in America & you graduate from college & go home to tell your parents that you are heading out on a mission for the next two years, their response is typically, "you bet you are."

If you are a Christan in America & you graduate from college & go home to tell your parents that you are heading out on a mission for the next two years, their response tends to fall more like, "you need to start paying off your debt, building a portfolio, you won't be home for the holidays.."

God's plan isn't:
God- Me.
or
God-Church.
or
God-America.
It is still
God-Church-Nations.
He blesses His Church so that the nations would be blessed and know Him, and that worship Him.

His heart is for all nations; whether ours is or not.

I am blessed, but not for me, anymore than Abe's blessing was for himself.
It's not my story to own.

So many times my vision has been jacked.. and I have to keep realigned it with His. I believe that here & there God is seeking true worshipers.
I would love to hear your thoughts & your "perspectives"- really.. no tantrums...

& here's a joke for you..
what do you get when you have an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac?
A man who can't sleep all night wondering if there really is a "dog?"

ok.ok. i'll let you go...

& then there was snow...

2010-01-29T13:56:00.000-08:00

january ramblings.

2010-01-20T07:04:00.000-08:00

It's going to be 60 degrees HERE today.

It's a plea ok? A plea cause I miss my iowa family, which happen to be frozen solid in another storm. I may have sunshine, but I do not have you.

I noticed when I drove home last night that I didn't have to think about where I was driving. It's been 7 months with confederate flagged neighbors.. and in a few more..??
I was taking Natalie home and she rolled down the window and talked to the deer. They didn't run, they didn't talk back either.

We have been taking a class called Perspectives.
It's too good of stuff really. I could start rambling about all the ways God is jacking with my heart, but it would be pages. I will tell you it has something to do with it being all about Him, and not me, His glory throughout the nations.

I miss my brother lots lately. Miss his smile, and hug, and just being here, walking in the room. I miss hanging tightly on the back of his motorcyle and skipping out together on family events. I can't help but long for and wonder what it will be like in the glory of the Lord.

I think I want to learn French. Or maybe Spanish or maybe french horn. Actually I've never had a desire in french horn. But I have French. Well French the language, not the horn.

I love my husband a lot lately. We've only had each other for a while now, and I think we are starting to get through the "i want to inflict pain on you" stage to "i think I like you & maybe God did know what He was doing... :)" He has grown so much in his walk with the Lord, he really amazes me.

and he has sacrificed many an hour of sleep to help me get to one more world on the new mario brothers. i love that game. it's like marriage and family counseling all wrapped up in one package.

Dang it's such a great promise that His kingdom will come. Somehow it makes these light and momentary troubles so much lighter.

& now I must feed the children breakfast.
Have a good Wednesday. :)

It's Happy Birthday Day!

2010-01-15T05:00:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday Heth! Beautiful Crazy Lady.. hope it's amazing!

Happy 9th Birthday Noah.

Can you say loaded? What more could a guy want? Yesterday Noah came home to this & a box full of sugar and change. Who mails a box full of change? Crack me up. Only crazy people.

Supplies to make more treasures... This would be the duffel bag of goodies.. a football, whip, yeah I really can't tell you what else.

You never cease to amaze me Noah. Happy Birthday Buddy.

Henri's Story

2010-01-07T07:19:00.000-08:00

So we decided to get this little guy. We haven't had the best track record in pets lately.. so we did so with caution and hesitancy. (never a compulsive moment here..)
I like animals. I really do. They are nice. I can't wait til heaven to see what our Creator intended our relationship with them to really look like. I think it will be nice.
Ailah is (pet)rified of dogs. You would be too if your first was Gus. Enough said. But she liked him. She really liked him. All the kids did. And Josh really thought it was a good idea to bring him to bed with us.. really.

Henri's history: he was born into a mean pet shop. Ms. Craigslist rescued him. And from her into our family came a timid, sweet little pompoo.. (which just is a wrong name for a boy..) & within a few days we turned him into a scrappy, crazy, little guy. He fit right in..
But then.
He snuck out on an adventure.. silly open gate... and our little white puff ball was gone in residential suburban usa.

Stink.
Hours later.. we still didn't find him.
He was without tags.. microchipped but registered to the mean pet shop.
What then?

The kids spent the entire day handing out over 200 fliers. Picture this: five kids house to house in the snow with a wagon.. supported by their almost brother and sister.. lacking snow attire ((which we thought was safe to leave in exchange for presents in IA))

A boy with a duct tape fedora. Robby with Josh's boots on. Oli in the wagon with gloves on his feet.. the froggy rain boots didn't cut it. Mission lead by four little determined girls-to find Henri :)
We met people who prayed for Henri- and followed up by phone. We met our neighbors.
But at the end of the day, no Henri.
Dang.

I pulled out the worst possible scenario card and the poor poor pity me card. At times they started to trump Maja's FAITH card.

And first thing the next morning Henri came home. Found 5-6 blocks away..
Identified by a crumpled up flier delivered in determination and love.

Who knows where the little guy spent the night.. & im sure that he fought off at least an armadillo or two..
Dumb me. I have been disappointed by this fallen world so many times that sometimes life seems as hopeless as a lost white dog in a cold white winter. It takes my baby's faith to bring it around..

So often I walk in fear having no idea what the scenario will be. But do I trust Him that gives and takes away? Dark and hopeless.. but the Rescuer has come & is coming again.
Ya I know.. it's all about a little puppy. But ill go with Tina.. wisdom from "Up": life is lived in the little things.

And so Henri returns to our nutso family. Back to little sweaters. And chewing on polly pocket heads. And the adventure continues.

ps:

a New year.. a new Addition

2010-01-01T20:14:00.001-08:00

im pregnant!!!
well.. no.. not really.
but it's kinda like a baby announcement.
introducing:
*henri*

he's pretty ferocious.

oliver.

2009-12-18T22:17:00.000-08:00

"loves the lazorbacks"..
otherwise known as razorbacks.

"the speed limit!!!" with a crazy grin and both fists in the air.
every time we gun it.. ((not that it happens ALL that often..))

"Nebrakas!"
anything at ALL to do with football. every team.. well except the lazorbacks. poor guy.

& it's the time of year where he sees "the three little mans" everywhere.
to isabel they are the wise disciples.. history referred to them as "the three wise men". which triggered maja's report.. "The Real Three Little Mans."

he is so excited for Christmas.
merry weekend before Christmas to you.

Round 2: Bring it on..

2009-12-17T08:29:00.001-08:00

Each of the kids chose one thing that they wanted to make for Christmas treats..
Mr. second born, witty, duct tape obsessed, recycler, hoarder, servant, completely visual, door holder, smart alec, tender hearted, out-of-any-box.. picked Turkish delight.. of course he did.

We tried.. really..

But after hours.. literally a green slab of.. ???

It was as hard as the rocks my brothers used as ammunition in their sling shots. I mean we didn't try chucking it like that.. and have to hide behind the mailbox to survive.. and yikes I'm starting to freak out.. enough fond childhood memories..

The kids tried to be supportive, their teeth not so much so... altho it wasn't a complete loss, the kids licked the powdered sugar off..

Today is the day. We are moving in.. watch out you little white delicacy. We've prepped emotionally and physically...

PRAY for US!!!!

It's going to be the Christmas Noah battled the Turkish delight.

Little Seeds.. Big Harvest.

2009-12-14T16:12:00.000-08:00

Last night we watched Home Makeover. Part of the episode was spent going to different inner city homes and remodeling children's bedrooms. They couldn't build a new home for each of them. But their purpose was to bring hope to each child's life in the way they could. A refuge in the middle of a scary place. A seed of hope, showing they mattered.

Along with beautiful Caribbean Island sunsets and warm beaches, lately this little one has been on my mind.

A little girl living at the worst orphanage we visited in Uganda. The pastor there couldn't turn anyone away, there were bright eyed welcoming children everywhere. She is peaking out from one of the two rooms that 70 children shared. "Mattresses" side by side thrown on a dirty floor, without beds, without bed nets.

If your a friend of mine on facebook, I probably recently recommended you to a page for a ministry called Seeds for the Fatherless. It was originated by a friend of ours who choose to act upon his convictions, to his responsibility to orphaned children. You can find their website here.

The ministry has moved from one person's heart and has partnered with ministries and individuals to intentionally plant seeds of hope. Seeds that offer eternal hope in the lives of children. It may seem like a small seeds such as a child's first bed, backpack, or trading their inner tube in for a real soccer ball. It might mean a home makeover and having furniture in their childrens' home for the very first time. Regardless of the tangible seed that is planted in their lives, it is given in the hope of our tangible Savior- Jesus Christ. It is showing they matter, that they haven't been forgotten, and a Christ-centered relationship is developed.

It's not a just a ministry. It's a tool the community of Christ can use to plant seeds of hope into the lives of children such as this little girl.

Seeds for the Fatherless' heart is planting seed of hope and love into the lives of fatherless children, regardless of what continent they call home. If you know of tangible needs or prayer requests that Seeds for the Fatherless can outreach to, please forward them to the email on their website.

For me, it's a transfer of a burden into a way that I can act. And I like that.

joy today.

2009-12-11T08:26:00.000-08:00

Life is just tough sometimes. It's been crazy hard on my dad's family the past year. Two of my uncles passed away this fall. The latest did so right in the center of a blizzard. Josh and I talk a lot about death and Bill makes fun of us. But losing people who chose to love you and formed who you are sometimes pushes you to remember what's worth fighting for. My uncle Leon was the type of man who inspired me in so many ways. He was faithful. He was joyful. He was hopeful and expectant.

His acceptance embraced you with a smile the moment you met him. There were no games to play in status when he repeatedly offered you his gentle jokes accompanied by a grin.

One summer when my family went to Canada on vacation, I being too little, stayed with my cousins. My dad returned disappointed that I was calling uncle Leon "daddy". He wasn't my dad. Yet he was there when overnight I lost my dad and was no longer a child. And he and his wife were there the night when a few miles from their house my big brother died. I can't imagine that it was easy for him to drive my mom the the hospital.

He told me once about a dream that he had. About Heaven. About the colors that he dreamed that He had never seen before. And the Glory. And there my dad was. That meant a lot to a messed up 17 year old fighting a war she didn't see.

And there Leon is, in the middle of His Glory.

Right in the center of death in the middle of a snowstorm he found eternal life with the King that he loved and who adores him.

Lately I don't know how well that I've been battling. It seems that I've been stuck in a lot of junk and been unprepared and unequipped to face much. But Leon's life reminds me that God's plan of hope is to prosper us and not harm us. His joy is really my platform for battle and strength. Leon's life pushes me to fight for that joy, hopeful and expectant.

What did one eye say to the other eye?
...There is something between us that smells...

Uncle Leon, you will be missed. Can't wait to party with you.

Construction Sight:

2009-12-01T13:00:00.000-08:00

"check out p. 1508 of your Bible.. Transformed by CS Lewis..."

My husband texted me this six times this morning. Either his connection was crazy, or he is. Perhaps both, but apparently he felt it noteworthy.

Transformed
"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently he starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of- throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."

So what do I really think Mr. 6Xs texter? I think that the abominable snow monster really got a bad rap. The pain that comes with your house being completely redone is incredible abominable. I think my house must have looked something like Pete & Shorties originally.

Many days that cozy cottage just is so appealing, to me. It's overwhelming to live in an unfinished frame. It's so vulnerable, desperate, and abominable. My ideal blue prints are irrelevant. I hold onto little things that are nothing next to His glory. Again and again I forget, it's not for me.

O Christmas Tree

2009-11-27T18:08:00.000-08:00

It all started with my dad. One year he decided that the artifical tree needed a triming. Bad move Dad. It was a Charlie Brown tree before, I'm at a loss for words to accurately describe it after the chainsaw. Tighly woven bright tacky garland sufficated any hope the little wooden pole had left and yet it was still a Merry Christmas.

Did I ever tell you about the time my dad lit his coat on fire during candle light service? I loved that guy, entirely different story...

It must have all started there. My longing for the perfect tree.

The year my dad was sick and he knew that it was probably his last Christmas with us, he gave my sister and I the go ahead to get a REAL Christmas tree. It was beautiful yet overshadowed by a really tough Christmas.

Our first Christmas as newlyweds, we headed out to find the PERFECT tree. From tree farm to tree farm. Bouncing down gravel roads in our first truck, expecting our first baby, and looking for our first perfect tree. We did eventually settle..

Then there was the Christmas that we just didn't have time for the tree farm and the Wagoneer trip out. I was pregnant with number four. Josh picked up a tree from some very innocent nice men in the nice little fence. Little did they know he'd bring it back the next morning. I'm not sure of their return policy, but Josh must have been convincing with his story of his pregnant wife laying facedown sobbing over broken ornaments and lost memories, I wasn't allowing him back until he brought that thing back where it came from. They gave him a nice new tree with a straight stem. Poor Josh.

After that, for a few years, we roadtriped gravel roads and cut down little ditch trees. They were all individuals.

Random, but here's a shot of the crew this morning. Christmas card shots are SO hard with multiple kids. Can you tell that Ailah's pulling Maja's hair.. Another post..

Back to trees, two years ago, we caved and decided to buy our very first artifical tree. It didn't leave water stains on our floor. It was nice. But then, the house flooded and along with it half of the tree. Don't ask how half.

But half didn't get us very far. So last year, it was back to a ditch tree. A bush tree that was wired to the ceiling with fishing string. Josh wasn't taking any chances. ((and we were all in winter coats & it was snowing.. today was a t-shirt...))

Which brings us to Arkansas. And frankly, I wasn't sure about driving on unknown roads and digging around in the brush here. So we did the unthinkable. We went to Walmart.

And there we have it. Our Wal-Mart tree in a Wal-Mart stand. Filled with half broken ornaments and crazy memories, it's about perfect. :)

wordless wednesday.

2009-11-11T14:00:00.000-08:00

Ramblings about Moolah.

2009-11-09T08:47:00.000-08:00

I've never actually taken Financial Peace University. I think there is probably a lot of truth in it. Truth's that enable believers to walk in freedom from the bondage of debt. I have almost been beaten for questioning it.. for asking tough questions about it... because those that the process has worked for wholeheartedly believe in the program- yet makes me question the whole "peace" thing.. :)

So here is my deal.
We live in a town where resources are a little less limited for many families.
It has made me question finances and God's role in ours. We have tried to remain debt free, but reality is: we just moved & Josh went under the knife.. :)

Money is a strange concept to me. To one, it means a nice lunch and the other life. And where is that burden vs guilt? Do faithfullness and logic go hand in hand in finances?
Sometimes I just think I have things figured out. Then I realize I NEVER will. That without the Spirit's thought process.. that Im still in high school huffing something.

I think Im wrapping this up. My point: I need to rip off the hat that I wear that ties me to this world's logic. Is 1+1=2..?? Perhaps the argument for creationism is really revealed in arithmetic. It doesn't matter how hard that I try to pile my store house.. that MY efforts will not change this world.

Who am I working for..?
Yesterday at a beverage bar- the kids mixed soda with coffee flavorings. It tasted like a really bad mixed drink.. it was :) Nasty.
How often do I wear faith mixed with this world's logic & create something that you just want to gag on?

We can live as much in the bondage of logic as debt.

John 6:27 Don't work for the food that perishes but for the food that lasts for eternal life, which the Son of Man will give you, because God the Father has set His seal of approval on Him.

His dreams align with His resources.
Did Mary have the resources to mother a child? She was vulnerable and yet completely equipped. (And completely nuts to the world around her.)

The Ride: youve never thought that i was normal.

2009-11-05T14:17:00.000-08:00

I have started and started and started a zillion new posts. But then I retreat in fear of my brutal honesty and lack of cute wittiness. Warm sweet fuzzy posts vs our life is a ROLLER COASTER!!? hum..

But it is.. isn't it? One day God is present and you see Him and feel Him even in the midst of pain, you can find that sweetness.. And then the next you leave the library with an overload of emotions, hormones, fears, and vow to those big shining eyes- we will NEVER return here again. These children are so doomed.
No really.. they are.

I will NOT tell you.. that as I type the eldest son is riding a water board thingy.. on my bed with sunglasses and a winter coat. There is no hope..

Ok.. bad to brutal honesty. (kicking the trick performer outside)
I don't think that I've ever felt this desperate, vulnerable, lonely, and yet expectant..
I've kicked, I've fought, I've wrestled.. and maybe just maybe someday I'll get the whole Freedom thing..

But as for right now, this moment: It's still a ride.

We are approaching the top.. anticipating.. almost over the edge... butterflies in the stomach.. lunch surfacing.. hands starting to sweat... foot pressing against the seat, it's coming ....

wait...

last bump...

Ok NOW!
THROW UP YOUR ARMS

Surrender.
and enjoy the ride.

( & here is where your eyeballs are bulging out, your heart is pounding.. somewhere between eating bugs and your head jolting back and forth.. it's kinda fun and you know we are going to make it.. )

Craig

2009-09-21T13:32:00.000-07:00

One year later.

I've spent the past few weeks walking through so much that I have been too hard to see.

And God has been jacking with me.

But right now. This moment, I want to remember. Remember the gift and the joy and the laughter.

I want to remember him. The hell of a big brother that he was. The kinda of brother that every little girl should have. The kind that have your back and come to your rescue.

I want to remember the last ride he gave me, clinging tightly to his back. The freedom and the trust that I felt. The way that my kids loved him.. and the way that he loved them. The way he made fun of Josh.. making him his brother.

He was always on an adventure. His life was an adventure.

Today I am broken.
Yet clinging to the freedom and joy of a risen Savior.

an apology to my friend

2009-08-12T14:13:00.000-07:00

It was if you were a secret hidden on windy road (..not that I had difficulties finding you..) aligned perfectly with a priceless lake side view to the North, hemmed in beautifully in by a gently flowing stream and playground on your West, and overshadowed by mature trees swaying on your East.

It is obvious that your creator carefully planned all the details of you, the joy that would come to all those who climbed the hill and entered your gates.

Not just any swimming pool.. set on a hill with the sunshine beating down.
At one time, you would have been the Caribbean of Arkansas.
But beauty is fleeting.
And every"thing" is replaced...
well... except you.

Today.. I just wanted to apologize.
Today we didn't see the glory of your youth. We didn't smell the freshly painted sign and crisp chlorine. The deck aligned with chairs in a row. The kids waiting.. anticipating your first opening.

When we arrived, you already seemed depressed.

Was it the lifeguards.. or the lack thereof?
Or the did the toddlers going off the diving boards bring you anxiety?
The free for all diving pit.. where kids and survivors are sorted??
Was the toilet mint smell nauseating you?
Or the dozens of leaves floating through your once sparkling water??
Did they push you over the edge when they insulted you with a playground slide, hooked up with water lines.... rather than investing in your future??
I guess I just can't pinpoint it.

But then, I feel like I deserted you when you needed me most.
Or.. is "it" something you're just used to??
How embarrassing for you.
Children, adults, everyone staring at "it".
Trying to decipher what "it" is.
And fleeing your water... how did they even notice a "sinker" in the midst of the floaters??

I didn't do it.. I swear... I mean my kids didn't.
Honestly.. two swimming suits are in our garbage cause our sinker happened before the adventure.

You sat there all lonely.
Dirty, contaminated.. deserted.
We couldn't bring ourselves to get back in.
Even when they drowned you in chemicals.. ( is that possible?)
Well. honestly.. Bel did get in... but your makeshift slide intrigued her.

And then we left.
and went across the road to the stream filled with other natural sinkers..
when not knowing is better.

Please forgive me.

And thank you.. for you have shown me Arkansas can't be that different from Africa.

the great move

2009-07-19T19:33:00.000-07:00

i woke up one morning.. thinking i was still dreaming

cause something was definitely strange..

*buy gum!*

i was in arkansas.

it still has a really strange ring to it... i live in arkansas.

and apparently i have a strange ring as well... cause ive been gettin: "youre not from around here.. are ya??"

there's a lot of things that i miss.

like two little girls in matching swimsuits at the pool, hyvee.. oh how i love thee.., and wait.. digital dog pound -ive wanted to howl i miss you so, and then the heritage days parade- im missin my year supply of hot cocoa...

.....did i ever tell you that my dad brought home boxes and boxes and boxes of hot cocoa when i was little.. and driving past carnation (as it will always remain) on just the right days when the sugar is so heavy in the air makes me grin because the memories are so sweet...

but im rambling....

we are indeed not in the cornfields anymore..

i present to you.. without the whiskers on kittens..

my favoritest things thus far:

noah has big news.

ain't she just the cutest thing??

it's every girl's dream is to walk down the isle to the starwars theme song..

single sort recycling.

it has stolen my heart. nothing more needs said.

Woody

This little guy was hand picked by my loving husband. Isn't he just the best??

It's arkansas...

Worm guts chased by ice cream.

The best.

Making for richer dinner conversation than gas prices.

You have to come visit to see the little inmate run across the screen dragging his ball and chain..

Meet Sam and Rachel

Isabel's Stow away Salamanders.

Again.. Josh's preaching on chlorination has revealed truth. Not the rich life of Randal.

But she is sporting the "look" well..

But Arkansas didn't do this:

Revealing somethings don't change...

He's kicking my butt..

2009-06-29T09:07:00.001-07:00

i am have been so challenged this week.

God is doing havoc with my heart. it seems that in every single emotion i face he pushes me to replace the "me" with "Him".. and this girl has a lot of emotion.

i have been blessed to meet one of the most amazing men. Andy and his wife and son are missionaries in north africa. in the desert. in the dark. in a muslim country. where the name of Jesus can not be said.

but it is.

and because it is.. one of his closest friends and labors in the field.. was pulled from his car and shot.. and killed...

a father of four..
a son..
a husband..
a friend..
a brother...

and in mourning there is dancing..

because a seed was planted and not held onto tightly.. it will not longer be dead.. but grow and be fruitful and multiply.

the blood of the martyr is the seed of the church..

i have never met someone that doesn't fear death as Andy.
and i wonder how can he go back? yet instead of a long life.. he longs for a full life.

i want a faith like that.

please pray for north africa. God is setting captives free.

i did not

2009-06-25T20:15:00.000-07:00

for your knowledge..

1. i did not eat chocolate chip cookies today for breakfast, lunch, supper, and all snacks.. except for the pop ice i eat everyday in honor of abbie..

2. i did not want to beat up budget truck rental company and tell them that i will inform EVERYONE i know that their company stinks.. and we won't go into details of how i think their truck ate the zillion items i can't find..

3. i did not take my children into a members only snake infested creek area filled with crawdad things as big as lobsters while my son screamed jumping from the water with the mad crawdads and pinching oysters to the safety of the rocks with lurking snakes, chasing AWOL flippies and then allow five children to climb behind a gushing waterfall..

4. i did not lay flat on my face on my bedroom floor bawling because i miss my friends so much. i was going to use prostrate or prostate.. but.. hum...

5. i did not cry out to God and wonder what He is doing and wonder why i get me so tangled up in His story.

6. i did not mow the lawn at 8:30 AM .. and have a heat stroke.. i did not almost die until i laid down on the sprinkler.. good impressions with the neighbors..

7. i did not go to stuff mart. i did not move to the stuff mart capital of the WORLD. i am not suffocating under the control of the mart of stuffness.. i did not suffocate from my own stuff and realize that i am a consumeristic freak when i unpacked my stuff. and that was after the moving truck ate some...

8. i did not live in a pop up camper for 6 weeks and it rained EVERY single night. and here there is NO rain. None. Zippo. i did not watch my daughter plant her orange flowers which are to take 7 days to germinate grow to 12 inches overnight. green thumb..? sun sun sun + compulsive watering lack of social interaction= the best flowers in the world. in the stuff mart capital of the WORLD..

9. i did not tell you all about the most amazing people in Uganda did i..? there's emmanual from ghana and he just got married.. and he had that giddy i miss her look the whole time.. he had square shoes like bulgarians that were white.. and there was obia,whose name sounds like star wars.. but in so many ways is like a brother even though our names are really different.. and Im praying that God aligns him with a really amazing Godly wife and he had a pink tie.. and well.. tonight i had the opportunity to see some of the others that we met.. and it made me cry.

10. i did not witnesses my daughter execute the most grossest slugs in the whole world with the kitchen scissors.

11. i did not open the door to the washer at the laundry mat and watch the water gush out and for a few moments almost fill my basket and simply stand there in the heat with five little kids watching.. and consider jumping into it.

12. i did not just ramble a dozen nutos things.. did i??

This one's for Jenni..

2009-05-12T12:24:00.000-07:00

it's not really fair that im posting cause ive been kinda out of blogging... and.. well it's like im living in my mom's backyard in a camper without technology and stuff.. or something..

but jenni's been on my case.. & so i present a brief update:

i packed ALL of josh's belts.. and even tho originally a man's.. the kids love to remind him that he sports a GIRL belt quite nicely

owls deep in conversation sound mighty similar to baboons.. hum.. & isn't april the month of midnight showers????

and.. my baby is three..
three.. ???

nutso.

happy mommies day to you all out there... esp to you all who have been such an awesome mommie in my babies' lives this year..

-mel

Stellan

2009-04-16T07:11:00.000-07:00

i don't know how many of you have been following Stellan's story. his little life has been a roller coaster and yet huge testimony of God's faithfulness. tomorrow the little man is going on a plane ride from mn to boston to have surgery on his heart. maja's heart has embraced him for months and months.. will you join her in praying for him in the upcoming days & for his mommy and daddy and brothers and sister??

I love this verse.. it's Phil 4:13 in the message:

Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the

One who makes me who I am.

the funniest thing ever.

2009-04-14T19:02:00.000-07:00

sometimes in ones life they just need a father's loving hand to guide them along.
my dad was numero uno @ practical jokers.. & i know quite a few pros
((paint a picture in your mind of a goat locked in one's vehicle.. ruthless i say..))
but being since i have begged him for advice and he refuses to answer..

i NEED your help.
seriously people.
i have been nailed this winter.
with forks.. car paint.. toilet paper... a Solar santa.. ((don't ask))
and really..
im lame.
i can't come up with anything..
i mean that's REALLY good.
like pee your pants good...

ADVICE???
i mean not that i believe in revenge or anything.. but i need some type of strategy here...
humm.

Lugazi

2009-04-13T11:02:00.000-07:00

That night will be etched into my mind permanently.
It was in a little town called Lugazi.
We were physically, emotionally, and Spiritually exhausted.
We were saddened by the friendships and security we said good-bye to.. to go onto another step of our journey.
It was late.
It was dark.
I was stretched beyond my comfort when a man outside our hotel was pretending to be mad.
Did I mention it was really dark?
As we went up the stairs flight after flight.. above the little bar called a hotel.. my heart flooded with fear.
Only to be followed by a flood of tears when we saw our room and the bars covering the windows.
I missed my children.
Would we ever see them again?
It was an adventure when we were hidden in a team.. but we were alone.. in Africa.
Outside the the sounds of footsteps outside our door.. occasionally grabbing the handle.. and shaking it.. ((like heth's axe murderer))
I wanted Kampala.
I wanted the airport.
I wanted America.
I wanted anything except right there right then.
I was ready to bail.
Did I tell you it was really really dark?
We had to trust.
We had to believe.
We HAD to.
We had to cling to the hope that morning was coming.
And so we stared into the tattered net above our head.. and cried out.. and faithfully morning came.

Right now the vision isn't real clear in our life.
It's a season of weird change.
I'd be a loser if I didn't say sometimes I feel like it's Lugazi.
There are times when I am encompassed in fear and drained in exhaustion.
When nothing really makes sense.
When the standard of the world around us mocks us and I just don't understand.
When I want to bail on His plan.
And write my own story.
Which would include a feather bed and jacuzzi.
Cause sometimes I just forget. It was an honor to be right there right then.
To see and meet and be part of His'.
It wasn't warm and fuzzy. I didn't understand.
But He did.
And He didn't abandon us there.
And He won't here.
I get really excited when I know it HAS to be HIM.
When there is none of us.
And that either makes complete sense or I like the madman outside the hotel.
As the security is stripped away.. and the comfort dissipating..
and every step to freedom in Him seems completely jacking with my heart.
He reminds me to walk in joy that morning is coming.
To trust.
And Believe.

Gus

2009-04-05T18:07:00.000-07:00

Truth is.. it takes a special dog to have a family like us. No one could ever leave digested underwear in the yard as beautifully as you and never have i seen a dog so graceful on the trampoline. I know it's been a love-hate relationship.. kinda like Chumley..but it's really hard to say good-bye.
You have so much potential.. and somehow get lost in the chaos of us. We are pretty stinkin nutso even without you..
And yet you have helped us though the toughest year of our life. You have helped us mourn.. sometimes made us cry..
and stinking made us laugh all the time.
I know.. I know.. I'm getting sappy.
In many ways you became a part of this dysfunctional.. ever changing.. never grounded family.
Yet tomorrow night you'll sleep in normal life.
I know that God placed you in our life for these days.
And even in the life of a dog.. He knows your next.
So be good.
Show them Tina is wrong.. you CAN sit..
*when you want*
and enjoy it buddy.
know that we love you.
Love mom.

2009-04-03T12:28:00.000-07:00

i was *almost* absolutely sure that when my feet hit Bulgarian soil that i would be filled with the ability to communicate well ..complete with a beautiful accent. i don't think it was as great of a disappointment as the night our bus left a gypsy village.. my cheek pressed against the snot decorated glass.. sobbing in my unworthiness and my lack of ability to heal a child.

under the powerful sun as i held tightly the most beautiful baby.. traveling down the red dirt roads of Uganda somewhere in the lush green i believed i would discover a clear vision balanced with passion and ta-da:::: *direction*

it's been a long night.. and i have pretty much drowning in my own shadow of fear, pain, selfishness, & hurt. it's not working. i want out.

i am humbled in Him.

interview with Oli

2009-03-30T12:10:00.000-07:00

1. What is something mommy always says to you? "don't get out of your bed!!"
2. What makes mommy happy? "staying in my bed and going to sleep"
3. What makes mommy sad? "me getting out of my bed and not going to sleep"
4. How does your mommy make you laugh? "doing funny stuff... like sticking your tongue and stuff and making funny faces."
5. What was your mommy like as a child? "i don't know.. same look... like- i don't know.."
6. How old is your mommy? "like 65.."
7. How tall is your mommy? "like 76 like yah.. just 76."
8. What is her favorite thing to do? "play guitar hero.."
9. What does your mommy do when you're not around? "playing the computer"
10. If your mommy becomes famous, what will it be for? "for doing good stuff and giving money to people"
11. What is your mommy really good at? "guitar hero and eating chocolate"
12. What is your mommy not very good at? "cleaning Gus poop outside"
13. What does your mommy do for a job? "clean the house up"
14.What is your mommy's favorite food? "potatoes i think .... and pears" ((??))
15.What makes your mommy proud of you? "being good doing my chores and cleaning the tv room really good"
16. If your mommy were a cartoon character, who would she be? "a guitar hero girl or yoshi or link"
17. What do you and your mommy do together? "good stuff like play guitar hero together and play the computer together and eat popcorn and watch movies and leave on trips."
18. How are you and your mommy the same? "we both like r2d2"
19. How are you and your mommy different? "im naughtier and youre gooder"
20. How do you know your mommy loves you? "cause our heart knows."
21. What does your mommy like most about your daddy? "Getting eggs for you"
22. Where is your mommy's favorite place to go? "i think pablos or panera"

2009-03-20T22:44:00.000-07:00

it's funny, in africa i felt closer to craig than i have since he left. perhaps it was the crazy motor cycle ride on top of the couch...

my heart breaks for a friend who has lost her best friend. and parents that aren't holding their little man tonight. it makes me feel unjustified that my heart is broken.

he held me instead of my dad the evening of our wedding and i covered his shoulder with snot. there isn't a day that doesn't go by that i don't long to dance with him again.

i feel as i have lived the past months in a daze.. that somehow some way i will awake. thinking that i should do something, become something.

and He keeps telling me to rest in Him.

to hide in Him.

i can't believe it's been six months ago tonight.

i miss you.. you big butthead.

dangerous.

2009-03-19T14:53:00.000-07:00

i like beth moore studies. she's quirky and out there transparent and is kinda nerdy in some ways.. and i really appreciate that. so our church has been doing her study on the book of esther and it's been good.. real good. and i am humbled to say that God gave me a word to share in Uganda from what He showed me through it. it was with an amazing group of children, by light from a lamp, with the most amazing hearts of worship i have heard. i can hear them, feel them.. see them ..i could be there right now.

back to beth.
the other night an amazing woman in our group shared that she feels as though she is on a ship. a sinking ship. that she has been reaching out for lifeboats. God is telling her to wait.. to trust.

dude. it hit me right on the head.

this has been a season in my life where if i were to be totally honest: im jacked.
i mean more jacked then trying to play guitar hero while giving a spelling test.

i pretty much don't get anything. and thus thats why i haven't been writing.. or reading.. and basically a complete loco idiot.

i have been longing to go down with Him, in this sinking ship to trust Him and to know He's all. but yet frantically searching every which way for a lifeboat. heck.. i've tried to jump on a few pieces of roten driftwood.

another of my all time favs is my utmost for his highest by oswald chambers.. i like to pretend he's my grandpa..

this is from his writings the other day..
its from mark 10:32
At first I was confident that I understood Him, but now I am not so sure.... He is ahead of me and He never turns around; I have no idea where He is going, and his goal has become strangely far off..... When the darkness of dismay comes, endure until it is over, because out of it will come that following of Jesus which is an unspeakable joy.

and then a day or two later...
Paul is like a musician who does not need the approval of the audience if he can catch the look of approval from his Master.

so wheremi going here??
i told you.. nutso.

do i want to spend the rest of my life on a life boat.. with my jacket.. all snuggled in, talking about the ship experience.. encouraging others to head to the ship.. and me ((and my fam)) be SAFE

or will i stay and dance.. tap dance on a sinking ship.. trusting, waiting.. not always understanding.. where i might face *fill in the blank here* and with only one audience that approves??

honestly... im not sure yet.

but i will tell you the life boat is too little to dance on.

Uganda.

2009-02-24T14:30:00.000-08:00

forecast for you.

2009-02-02T20:22:00.000-08:00

TuesdayFeb 10
Fair
Hi: 85° Lo: 65°
Sunny skies. High 85F and low 65F. Air Quality: NA, UV Index: NA

WednesdayFeb 11
Showers / Clear
Hi: 81° Lo: 64°
Showers. High 81F and low 64F. Air Quality: NA, UV Index: NA

ThursdayFeb 12
Scattered Thunderstorms
Hi: 80° Lo: 61°
Slight chance of thunder. High 80F and low 61F. Air Quality: NA, UV Index: NA

cake, tattoos, groupies, and stuff

2009-01-30T06:35:00.000-08:00

ok ok...

i fess up
as much of you know... yesterday was a HUGE event in my life
a marker..
once you hit.. never to return
to *this* young again..

*14*
its such an odd feeling..

and i am COMPLETELY spoiled
like nutso
like crazy nutso with extra whip and carmel drizzle..

did you know that the biggest box of jr mints has somewhere around 1500 calories???
and kasey made me an incredible chocolate cake..
which josh very politely shoveled into my face.. i did pretty good...??

i very well may go into a sugar coma..

Can you see it:
FOURTEEN year old midwest GIRL slips into coma after INSANE amounts of refined sugar.. the overdose was likely caused by the denial of her AGE..

Maja of course offered a delightful insight...
momma your going to look like Tobymac when your His age.. i know it! (josh wasn't too thrilled..)

But..
the best was the HUGE blemish that appeared on the right side of my face
it was like mount puberty

as if a gentle breeze erupting on my face
i could hear God's whisper..
fourteen fourteen fourteen

thank you Lord.
for only you would realize the significance of a Huge Ugly Zit
*it stole my heart*

(apparently one of those things you can't fully describe :)

SO anyhum..
it's been a month of change at our house..

we have a new addition to our crazy family!!
our beautiful, crazy, amazing, TEENAGE niece has been living with us. i feel like Shanda.. it's kinda weird having a niece a year OLDER than me..

and in ONE week and 2 days we will be flying to Uganda.. holy cow..

we went to see tobymac :)
and had vale parking
and i became an official groupie..
did i tell you how amazing my friends are???
i wish that i was smart enough to cross things out.. cause id replace friends with family... but since i have NO clue how to really do ANYTHING with blogger....

and i got a tattoo!!

not really...
did i have you wondering??

have a blessed weekend...

ps: it's jenni's 15th birthday to day :)
she's WAY older than me...
and mature and stuff...

insane amount of rambling..

2009-01-27T06:49:00.000-08:00

one of the last times that i saw my big brother was when he was standing waiting for me and tara and the kids to get off the tilt-a-world... my mom's fav..
just standing there leaning against the fence...
a big soda in his hand wearing a huge Craig grin..
his jeans drippin wet sporting that pee-d in look wonderfully...

i have had such an amazing week
emotional
nutso
somewhere in the midst of it
i threw my arms in the air
and started hanging on for the ride
cause each and everytime i try to grab ahold
He brings it around
and reminds me

it could be tomorrow

i can't tell you how stinkin blessed i am
we talk about finding a church
one that fits like a glove
some how
some way
God gave me a family
really i don't fit it
but
He wove me into it
i don't know who and what i am apart from it and Him
i may very well be the ugly string in the midst of them
yet somehow comes together perfectly

i have fought really hard to control this ride
but it aint gona happen
i could continue with my expectations
with my agenda
with my mapped out plan, or lack thereof :)

and He's just standing there
waiting
watching in joy
His kiddos
on this ride
cause He's going to redeem it all

i trust that.

there is a difference between the first church in acts and me
they really really believed
they banked on Him
without a building
without the next step

and they celebrated every meal- together
good bad ugly
im ready to party.

so really there is no point to this post
and all the point

i am nothing without Him
i am everything with Him

i got nothing without Him
security in my country
my job
my life

and everything with Hum
even without anything

so how's that for ramblings???

2009-01-15T07:35:00.000-08:00

fyi..

the difference in temp
today from Kampala
to HERE
is 100 degrees

hum..

all serious stuffs

2009-01-13T12:26:00.001-08:00

forgive my immaturity.
it just it seems the serious stuff has consumed my life lately.

being that the bananas are now cleared from my head..
and have joined the other dancing fruit in yours..

lets get down to the nitty gritty:

in less than 4 weeks i am going to be trapped for 17 some hours in a huge metal bird with a gazillion strangers, one really cute husband, and potties that try sucking my hoodie strings into the heavens each time that i pull the lever.

meanwhile.. our children will be all nestled in at their second.. third.. fourth... homes.. with the true saints Christ refers to.

and the final destination? a country that plagues our thoughts... faces that we have yet to meet.

for half of the time we get to be part of a group that is going to encourage, train, and build up pastors. it seems that God is doing some amazing things in Africa.. too fast for leadership in the church to be trained. how awesome is that problem??

and the second part? we get to go hang out at an orphanage. no agenda, no schedule. for three days go love on and be with our little sisters and brothers in Christ. too bad i haven't been practing my soceer skill since bulgaria...

and do you think it coincidence that we return just hours before breakaway begins?? dance off: watch out. good-bye extra left foot... uncovering moves in the land where rhythm originated. well maybe hello to clapping AND singing at the same time!

after a few interesting holiday-time questions, just to clear things up:
1. Moving there? two weeks and we'll be back in the midwest of the USA.. no permanency here folks. only completely nutso people would consider moving their 5 children to a "foreign" land.
2. Safe? Uganda in God's will is safer than outside God's will in my living room. being that He kinda made me and well has control over my soul and stuff like that, i think i'll leave the fearing to Him alone.... :)
3. Pushing religion??? Nah. it's all about destroying religion in the resurrection. about the power of God actually being powerful and alive and real. it's all about Him. cause i'm just an idiot, who couldn't even sell something as appetizing as religion.

thanks to all of you who have prayed for us...
who have made our kids your own :)
who have walked with us day by day the past 6 months.
cause that includes the ugly and the painful as well as the milk out of your nose moments.
and continue to redefine the word family.

Bananas in Pajamas

2009-01-12T19:29:00.001-08:00

it's a post. so there.
i needed this tonight.... :)

2009

2009-01-02T08:38:00.001-08:00

Two guys were in a tent. One awoke to realize that their tent had been robbed. Freaking, he awoke his friend. Who didn't notice.. who was amazed, not by what he lost, by what he gained- in clear view of God's creation.

I stink at resolutions. But God seems to give me a song each year that ministers to me where I am. This is my prayer this year, that I might have His eyes, His Vision.
That God might rip my tent off and reveal His glory.
Happy New Year!

2008-12-18T13:39:00.000-08:00

Elf.

It's one of my Favorites.
Cause I like sugar and stuff.

I'm not going to tell you how long this sucker took me.

But in toast to "National Answer the Phone like Buddy Day",

sorry about the delay..

Here she is....

and my favorite color is green by the way..:)

In Honor of Buddy..

2008-12-18T13:34:00.001-08:00

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Ramblings of a mad woman.

2008-12-13T08:03:00.000-08:00

I am NOT going to tell you that I tried to Elf my family for two hours and couldn't do it.

I am NOT going to let you know that it felt like I was trying to get to the next level on Mario... only to forget to save all my progress... and in the process lose my child's hours of precious investment..

I am NOT going to reveal to you that I did both into Wee hours of the morning and have THIS to show for both. which is really pretty amazing...

Cause that would mean that I have an addictive personality and that I couldn't figure out technology.. or I was irresponsible and I could have been picking the weird particles of...?... out of my silverware drawer or sleeping or something...

maybe it shows that instead of dealing with life- I was lost in a make believe world... one filled with imaginary characters who make me smile.. wait.

And as long as I am NOT being honest about it.. I won't tell you that I have a Christmas gathering that I need to cook for tonight.. and that instead of even GETTING the stinkin groceries..

Here I sit.

And you know it... I tried again...I couldn't get it to work.. But I'm NOT telling you that.

So instead of dancing elf children, this is what you get:

Gus.

One whole year old.

Isn't he just precious...?

2008: nuts.

2008-12-08T07:30:00.000-08:00

As I wrap up this year, it's so easy for me to see how NUTS it has been. How many times have I been so incredibly desperate for God to tuck me in and hide me in Him?

How things in life can change in a whirlwind, never to be the same: churches, families, hearts.

One of the very first verses that stuck out to me when I was a brand new believer was:

John 3:8 The wind blows whereever it pleases. You hear it's sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.

The invisible moving the visible. Do I trust that? Do I trust Him to be my defender? My planner? My ONLY hope?

It's more messy than I would like it to be: Life. It's really hard for me to be this vulnerable.

I really suck. I fail miserably ALL the time. I bank on my own feelings, insecurities, and emotions.

I should be dead in my own failures. But somehow I have ended up as HIS. and He is ok with me- even broken, crawling into His presence.

That's NUTS.

It lights a firecracker under my bottom and wakes me up. And brings me to my knees. At the end of this chapter, it's the only place I can be. In Him. The author of creation, the author of this tiny small speck in His story.

So I might wrap up this year a little nutso . Who was banking on me to be anything but?? But you know in that He is going to get the only Glory... :)

and Nutso as I am- all I have is trust in Him to bring this thing of life around in the very end..

(....I'm in the planning committee for that party...)

O Christmas Tree...

2008-12-01T12:03:00.000-08:00

o little tree.

we drove for hours to find you.

i don't know that you ever knew what hit you.

i am so sorry that we left you alone on the porch while we frightened you and left you caught in the crossfire.

forgive us for the trimming and primping. we really do think that you are unique and wonderfully made.

we would never ask you to conform to our standard.

oliver didn't mean to offend you, really. he didn't realize his own strength when he sent you plummeting into the floor and your star shooting across the room.

i know it's tough to be ours.

our bush-tree.

but you fit right in.

O little guy- our Christmas tree.

practice..

2008-11-26T12:55:00.000-08:00

i am trying SO hard to turn off the flash and spin the dial to manual. i still have so many skills to learn...

since it is LESS than *3* months to figure out this contraption AND learn Swahili..

i cornered a willing subject who posed as a Ugandan..

this is the subject: let's call her Mom

subject taken with old camera which was:

dropped in flood

played with by 100s of gyspy kids :)

flippy thingy on front stuck open

on ebay for 10 bucks

And here is out subject again: Mom without the attractive hat

using new camera:

far away from flood water

Flashy: yes

Flash: not so flashy :(

subject: found another willing Ugandan.

new camera:

too dark. :(

but NO flash!!

on "Av".... which isn't fully manual

but isn't fully automatic..

which leaves me somewhere in the middle.

Hum.. maybe swahili will go better...

happy thanksgiving! eat lots of pie. take lots of pictures.

call your brother names- hit em aroung a little bit- they like it.

2008-11-23T13:58:00.000-08:00

Two guys came to our door today wearing name tags. I asked them if they liked wearing name tags. To my surprise their answer was yes. Which would really bug me, being told that I had to become Elder Melanie. They said it was better than safety equipment at their last job, but somehow that didn't sell me on it. They were both really nice guys and pretty real and passionate and we had a great chat. Well mostly just Josh and them, I picked up rotten pumpkins off the porch. And I thought about wearing a backpack and the bondage it would hold me in, everyday with a backpack and name tag, everyday. Would the world know the me behind my pin?

And I got thinking about Elder Melanie. Even though I don't have a "real" little name tag. How often do I show up and go through my motions. Selling myself to what I'm selling.

Anyone following me here?

Cause if I could somehow give that up- selling myself to what I am selling and selling others to what I'm selling and finally eliminate the coat, the pin, the bag full of junk that I carry.

What- Junk? Am I not as religious as these two young men, with a heart full of fear in actually responding to God, acknowledging that I just don't have a lead part in this whole production, or how about the desire to fill this void instead with things, food, and anything tangible.

What would I find under my coat? With nothing to win, nothing to gain, nothing to lose.

Just me. Messy, yes. But me.

Who every loses his life, will find it.

2008-11-20T11:33:00.000-08:00

Growing up Josh's best of friends was his cousin Shelli. I can understand why- she is a fun loving, beautiful, amazing woman. Her and her great husband just had their first son this summer... and I haven't seen him yet!!! It is driving me nuts. Nuts..! Shelli can be found here. Check out pictures of little Angelo. Don't you just want to *squeeze* him?

Anyhum, Shelli nominated me for the Honest Scrap Award. Which has potential to be dangerous, cause I have been trying to hold back my honesty..

RULES OF THE HONEST SCRAP AWARD (honestly edited by Shelli- and with me in total agreement!)
When you receive the prize you must write a post showing it, together with the name of who has given it to you, and link them back.

Choose a blog that you find to be totally honest in content and visuals.
Show their name and link and leave them a comment informing they were prized with ‘Honest Weblog’. List [if you can and/or dare] at least ten honest things about yourself. And then, pass it on.

TEN HONEST THINGS ABOUT ME...

1. Today I considered the idea of living in an rv outside my mom's house. Still working on the details.

2. Part of that plan is to sell ALL of my material processions. Can you say HIPPIE. but if you want it- claim in now. :)

3. One of our children "came to be" during Monday night football :) How do you like that HONESTY?? We almost named him/her after the team..

4. I egged a car this week... with help.... (did i just ADMIT that??)

5. I couldn't bring myself to vote for either of the mainstream candidates- so I ended up voting for a complete loser :)

6. Everyone in my family shares toothbrushes. It's a free for all. You find it- you claim it.

7. I spend WAY too much time on this stupid computer. It sucks my blood.

8. Josh has been trying to convince me to get dreadlocks. Truth: I don't know.. ?? I am already a freak. There would be no going back.

9. I wake up at the last possible minute every morning. I stay up way too late. I can't seem to grow up in this way. Last night I was up doing Swahili into wee hours of the morning.. but it's under three months!!!

10. I am really rebellious. I have to question why and how and Josh informed me the other day that even when I do go along with it, I constantly have to reevaluate.

Ok- so I think I just gave you WAY too much information...

My nomination to carry this award on goes to T. Tina is a beautiful friend who still loves me even though I voted for -

you didn't really think that I'd tell you did you??

Her blog is called Dull As Dishwater which in all honesty I don't understand. Cause it is anything but dull, it's honest and real.

The last two weeks when I have had *complete* BREAKDOWNS without words to even express where I was at, somehow she arrived at my front door. She is an amazing Godly woman who fears the Lord and is transparent and well just an amazing sister..

and plus it just happened to be her car that was the target. opps.

incy wincy spider

2008-11-17T15:14:00.000-08:00

deja vu..?

2008-11-10T14:07:00.000-08:00

i had this odd sense today that i had done this before... maybe on a banana boat in the red sea..??

more information about that here..

more information about this...

here:

2008-11-08T18:33:00.000-08:00

its been a little over five years ago. i walked in young, naive, and brave. two toddlers and a baby under my arm. it hurt. i hid back the tears from traumatizing my wee ones.

i have a strange shaped nose. don't look to closely, just take my word for it. so to draw attention away, i wanted it low. trust me, it seemed to make sense. but it was completely in the wrong spot.

after a few months i banished it. i swore i would never do it again. it's like a root canal, someone leaning into your face- leaving you without any control. coming after you with instruments and tools never intended to be created for the human body. nuts.

but in a moment of weakness here i sit. i think it may have been my midlife crisis that i have been sorting through. or tina making me out to be a complete wimp. but she convinced me, although somehow i was unable to convince her...??

so we went.

and the special "piercing" lady was gone.:)

and just as i thought that i was off the hook.. my odd and strange husband encouraged to go back.
did i mention to you that he really thinks that i should get dreads? and i saw someone tonight in panera:) that had them ALL the way down her back and they were SO amazing... and yes i stared.

anyway..

so we went back to the little room and she came after me with "the" needle.
i don't' think she even thought about giving her poor victim a moment to process it all.
that's when i started to hyperventilate.
as i was gasping for air- i managed to request to her that she explain the procedure.

and she did and did it well, "now i am going to pierce your nose."

and of course the question arose: is it going to hurt? (since i didn't know this already..)
can you believe she told me for only 5 minutes!! 5 minutes!! i was freaking about 5 seconds!!

and yes i started to cry. but that's when i saw it.. her tattoo, "Jesus Wept."

and pushing her forearm back again.. with every ounce panic strengthening my adrenaline..
i said, "see- Jesus cried too. i'm really not a baby."
and with that-together she and josh held me back, demolishing my resistance..

i grasped his hand harder than any of my five labors, and the 10 inch needed pierced into my flesh.

*ok dramatized a little.*
but it did really hurt for like 20 seconds or something.

and yes it was completely drawn out and yes all the teenagers in the entire place snickered as i walked out.

but they didn't know what awaited them..

*update*

photos.....

HERE.

2008-10-29T20:31:00.001-07:00

I have been reading this book on heaven.

You want to go to Bulgaria, you find out about Bulgaria.

Likewise with Uganda. J

Yet what do I really know about heaven??

My biggest question through this entire thing has been: Where do I go from HERE?

Honestly, between you, me, and God- I'm not Job.

It's been hard thing for this girl to figure out.

But somehow dissecting the word about how incredible God's plan in for our future is blows the lid right off my box.

It seems that lately all around me there have been so many struggles, change, heartbreak, loss, and pain.

Where do we go from HERE?

HERE: where things are jacked, we see glimpses of Him but His glory and worship hampered by sin.

Where do we go from HERE?

THERE.

THERE into His promises where all things are made right, where He has redeemed, renewed, restored, recovered, and reconciled.

And that excites me. And I can't wait to see how it all goes down. And I can't wait to taste chocolate on the new earth.

And somehow that puts it back into perspective. This pain is real, but temporary. Really temporary. And it's not my life.

So the question changes: I know where I go from HERE.

But a new question arises: what am I going to do while I'm HERE.

Craig’s List Update

2008-10-27T09:21:00.001-07:00

The past month has pretty much been insane. Can't really capture to you in words my inner heart and where I am. Trying to sort through me, Him, us as a couple, us as a family, the kid's emotions, and the sadness in the fact that it's going to be awhile until Craig slugs my arm again.

But I doooo have for you in the words of Nacho, an update.

Here it is:

My Craig's List

1. Learn to play the guitar well. (You knew that one already..)

Shh- don't tell that I haven't been practicing as much as I should. But I have my fourth lesson tomorrow and I can ALMOST play the song Blessed be Your Name…well, if I leave out all the Fs. Does that count?

2. Run a marathon.

I can not believe that I just wrote that.

Ok- so here is the deal. Craig was obsessed with fitness. He drank all these weird concoctions, like whey protein and nasty stuff that smells really funny. And he loved to work out. He believed that you should be doing something all the time. Ok, so he was a little compulsive. He started his own gym in his little town- which actually isn't even considered a town, about all it has is a bar that has cheese balls- but he had a shop with air and heat and it was chuck full of work out equipment and it was the town gym. Not quite up to The W standard, but in my opinion much more prestigious.

Getting to my point. When the organ donor network questioned us about his life styles and checked to see if he was a good candidate, they were amazed. Only one person a year comes in where they can donate to the extent that he did and it was very rare that they were in the health that he was. Realize- the whole donor thing doesn't make it better.. just good coming from bad. But it occurred to me that I am to really live like my body isn't my own.

Josh and I and Craig raced once. The dispute is still on as to who the winner was. (Somehow the boys changed the rules..)

I just hate running. So to commit to this KILLS me. Yet I know I've known it's #2. Cause if I can do this: I can do anything.

Then I was at his house the other night and found this:

Yah so I pretty much don't have a choice. Note: The orange circle. Yikes.

3. Go Here and ride dirt bikes.

Come on, you want to come with??

Craig told Josh and I that God make Moab, Utah just for him. What better place to be close to him and Him?

4. Adopt as son from Africa and name him after Craig.

Craig was a dooer. Don't talk about it- do it.. he was the only person I knew I could tell about our thoughts of living in an RV and would support us. He told me he would follow us around… we should have done it! When we told him about Africa a couple weeks before he died, he was pumped. Just think of the hunting there..

We talk about fruit in our lives as Christians.

Craig chose his daughter.

His ex wife had many decisions to make about her babie's future. He became her real daddy. They only got to spend 14 short years together, but I pray she always knows how he adored her and that she was always his.

That is love. In pain choosing a connection to a person that would last forever.

He grafted her into him. He made her his.

In some ways, he gave her life. He gave her a father. And in return, she truly gave him life. Fl!p.

She is amazing. And so much like him..

My prayer is to live that kind of love.

5. Tickle my kids everyday.

Profound. I know. Craig invented the 6^th love language: acts of violence. See, it's all his fault that I am the way that I am, really.

From chucking wrapping paper at me, to throwing me back and forth as a baby to my sister, to just chucking me on my bed or bending my fingers backwards. It was the best. I knew that I mattered so much to him.

Does anyone know what a snake bite is or how an eagle lands on an icy limb?

Strange, yes.

So aside from the times we are in Africa J and aren't with them, I want to carry on the monster tickle. It all begins with this sound that he made- it was something like-WHOAHAHAHAWAGOBA-
ok..
Anyway and then he would come after the kids and they would all go psycho.

Is that normal?

He loved them to pieces and it reminds me of the way that he loved his daughter and before that me as a little girl. I just want to bottle it up.

But I think it's really all about letting go and finding what matter and chucking all my other expectations away.

Ok so officially that's all I've got so far. I'm still working on the other two and choking everytime I think of #2…

Stories

2008-10-15T12:23:00.001-07:00

We all have a story. How easily I forget mine. How faithful that God has been in my life. I really have NOTHING to fear- for He has already proven to me how REAL that He is and how nothing can separate me from HIM. How this roller coaster only pulls me closer.

So today I was reminded about a piece of my testimony. Billy Graham is celebrating his 90^th birthday. You can wish him a happy birthday here. A few months after my dad died, my sister FORCED me into going to one of his crusades. I hit the floor weeping when it was all over: a pivotal moment in my life. I knew there was so much more than being good- but somewhere there was a God who wanted to speak to me. Me.

Recently a friend and sister that I had the privilege of meeting in Bulgaria sent me her story. It amazes me. Mainly because I have only seen her as an incredible leader. Someone who is transforming her generation. I never saw the "before"- the person that God chose to use. The girl he believed in. The daughter He placed His hands on and in His power and strength changed. This makes me remember why I so loved the Lord when I first felt Him at the Billy Graham crusade. I believed in the unseen. I believed in the power to transform our lives here on earth. I believed that even in the midst of pain, He knew.

I'm 31 years old. Even though it is very hard for me to write about myself, I think you will be blessed be my testimony.

I was born in Burgas by a young mother who was not able to take care of her baby and because of that she left me at an orphanage. So since then until graduating from high school I have grown up in different orphanages- 3 years in Burgas, 3- 6 years in Grudovo, 6- 15 –in Nevestino, and since I was 15- in my favorite city- Stara Zagora.

As a child I was very rowdy and wild. At the orphanage in Nevestino I lived during communism. Life then was very different then now. At that village the law of the jungle ruled. As soon as I got there the kid that bossed all the other kids around saw a potential leader in me and decided to take me under her wing to train me as such. So I had to start smoking at the age of 6 and a half. By 5th grade I was ready to take over her "job".

So in 5th grade I became the new "alpha- kid". I used to beat everyone there- the young and the older ones. The people from the whole village had given up on me. Of course, I enjoyed that very much. I was fearless. I had learned to control my emotions. I was a very cruel and evil kid. I liked to talk back to my teachers and even to hit them. Very often I had dealings with the police. In seventh grade I was even in prison for minors for a month.

I'm not going to get into too much detail about all the troubles I've gotten into. I just want to share a story so you can get the idea of what I was like before I met Jesus.

I was not more then 12 at the time. One evening, because of a serious beating I got from a teacher, I decided to get back at one of the kids who had told on me. During the night, after the teacher was done beating me, I went and got the poker, put it in the fireplace for a few minutes, and when it got really hot, I took it to the girl, who was already asleep, and hit her on the face with it. When she woke up crying, I hit her on the other cheek. The kid started crying uncontrollably. I warned her that if she tells on me, something even more painful will happen to her, so she did not tell on me. I really was very aggressive and mean. I was filled with hatred towards people. I used to beat and torture the kids a lot. I also was a lot of trouble for the people in the village.

Until I turned fifteen, I had never heard about God. When I came to Stara Zagora I saw a very different world. First of all, there were kids at the orphanage who had parents. The teachers were nice and did not beat us. The orphanage was like a hotel. There I heard about Jesus for the first time. Some of the girls there attended Zion Christian Church. One of them was Diana. She can testify of how nuts and spiteful I was then.

I did not accept the things they told me about Jesus, because I thought: "If there was God and He really loved me, how then could He let me live such a horrible life, full of pain? If there was God, I would live a lot better, I thought. I would not be a mistake of nature."

Before I accepted Christ I really thought I was some kind of a mistake, a very big mistake. I drank heavily, gambled, etc. When I was 9th grade, my teacher from the orphanage even took me to a church (an Orthodox church) to be baptized, so the Devil would come out of me. Well, she had some problems the first time she tried, but the second she got me baptized. Even though I did not believe I went to get the presents they had promised me. I don't know how many of you are Orthodox Christians, but there actually was some change in me after the baptism. Maybe my teacher, who became my godmother, believed and prayed for me so much, that it actually made a difference. Well, not as much as me becoming a Christian, though. Then I graduated and left the orphanage.

I went to live in an apartment, given to me by the municipality. I was paying a very cheep rent. I was surprised to find out that some of my neighbors were Christians. I can't get away from those people I thought. For about a year and a half they had talked to me about God so much, that I was sick of it. I was drawn by the world. I went parting almost every night. I thought this would make up for my past.

One evening I went as I often did, to visit my neighbors. They were praying. I was very impressed by the love I saw in them. They invited me again to visit their church and this time I said yes.

After the first service I went to, my neighbor asked me to never come to church with her again. If anyone dares to act in our church the way I acted that time, I would be the first one to kick him out. I was arrogant, rude and made fun of the people in the church. The next day at work I spread out the "great" news about me going to church. I told spicy stories like "they turn the lights off and…" (you know what I'm talking about). The next evening though, I noticed a strange desire to go to church again.

The next Sunday I left for church with my neighbor's son. I was planning to have some fun again, but the guy I went with warned me very seriously as we entered the church to shut up because God was there. At that service I prayed for the first time- if there is a God that He would change something in my life…

Ten days later, my colleges told me that I have changed- I don't cuss and don't use bad words. I tried to prove to them that I can still cuss, but not even one vulgar word could come out of my mouth. I was shocked.

I got my stuff and almost running from work to home, I was thinking what I'm going to do to my neighbor for having me brainwashed at her church. As I arrived at her house, I grabbed her by the throat, pushed her against the wall as I blamed her that her church has brainwashed me and that hurt my image before my colleges and friends. She just kept exclaiming joyfully: "Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord!" Then I remembered what I had asked Jesus to do for me.

I think that was the moment when my heart broke before God. I started to go to church since then and the Lord began to work in my life. Almost right away I stopped smoking and drinking. A little later God delivered me from gambling as well. It took longer for me to forgive my parents who had abandoned me and the teachers I hated. But now I can say that God is very merciful and patient with me. God's love makes me whole and happy.

Five years ago I was challenged by the Lord to work with kids from the orphanages I had been at as well as two more. Some believers from a church in Montana, USA who we have a relationship with, decided to come to Bulgaria to donate some money and volunteer at an orphanage.

My pastors knew I grew up in an orphanage and asked me what I think about that. I told them this would be great, but we also need to follow up on it and be consistent. Just to bring gifts is not as effective as having an going relationship with the kids if we want to win them for Christ. People think about those kids during the holidays, but the rest of the time they are nowhere to be found.

This is how the social ministry was started. Two other ladies and I are the core team. There are many other people who are involved. For some events even the whole church gets involved.

Little by little we build strong friendships with the kids from those orphanages. I won't go into detail how exactly we work with God's help on that field. I just would like to encourage you that during the time we had the Alpha course, 25 kids got saved, 12 got baptized in the Spirit and 15 in water. For some this is not much, but for me, knowing the life and worldview of those kids, I know that it is not little at all. For me it is important that they understand that God is the One who can help them in every situation. He is the only one, who can make them happy.

There is the right time for every soul. During those 5 years about 500 kids have heard the Good News. Just because not everyone has gotten saved does not mean that we were not good workers. God wants us to sow and He is the One who makes it grow. This is what I think. While I was in the orphanages no one has ever celebrated the birthdays of the kids. Now we do it and every kid knows that there is a special day when he or she is paid attention to. This really is a great joy for the kids.

Usually after they graduate, the kids have to leave the orphanage with no one to be there for them. Many of them make bad choices. Since we have been working with them though, many of them are able to become good citizens of our country. I think they will never forget what they have heard about God. I know that in time each one of them will be drawn to Jesus. I believe that and I know that God hears our prayers for all those kids.

roadmap

2008-10-13T15:26:00.001-07:00

It seems that I don't realize how little I remember from 4^th grade until each time we start a new subject in school. If I could start to retain everything, I have might have some serious potential in a game show in another decade or so.

An Example: I have lived in the United States my entire life. But as the kids labeled their state maps today, especially in all the Eastern little states, I was taken back at how ignorant I am. But it gets worse… Did you know that the capital of Pennsylvania is Harrisburg? Ok, so you probably knew that. And if not, you're shrugging it off as useless information. Yet indeed is not, because you might be on a game show someday.

I was amazed at the actual perspective that my mind had mapped of our country. I am a visual person. I remember photos and maps and written words and numbers. I wasn't that far off: I knew that New York in this corner and the Rockies right in there. Yet my generic map was blurred in so many spots. I had forgotten how it was all woven together, lost the details somehow.

My world seems so big and each day lately a trial that can consume me. Yet I am not even a dot on this map.

As I gazed in the mirror, in between lessons and diapers, I actually took a moment to look. To really wonder, what have I forgotten? What things in my life and heart have become a blur? Who did God create this girl to be?

I don't know if you have tasted the pain of this world so deep within you that in wants to force itself out. You want to throw yourself to the ground in heartache. You don't know where to go, from HERE. But I assuming that in this really tough world, you have.

It amazes me that Jesus came, not as the author of a salvation prayer. But to redeem me from this MESS that I am. To mapquest me the very next step on my map, bringing clarity to my blurred and warped perspective. And to remove me from HERE- have I mentioned that THERE is worth the promise in waiting?

What is my perspective on who Jesus is? Perhaps it means going back to that place where I am vulnerable again- please NOT 4^th grade!!- But to my first love. Real love.

indepth conversation:

2008-10-08T13:12:00.000-07:00

Bel: i don't get it. why didn't God just make us smart? is it because of sin that we have to do school?

Me: i don't know Bel. God just wants us to do the best we can at school and everything He asks us to do.

(dodging question, still folding socks..)

Bel: hum... but why do we really need to know this? why would God care about rhyming words? when am i going to need to know rhyming words for God?

(looking up from laundry at my new teenager..)

Me: you need to just do it Bel.

Me: i don't get it ... God- why didn't they just come potty trained...?

Craig's List

2008-10-04T19:04:00.000-07:00

So I am all snuggled up with the sweetest little thumb sucking girl in the world- who I borrowed for the evening. She is rubbing her other hand on my arm, it is so priceless, she is so priceless. I could just bottle her up. Which makes this post bearable.

It has been two weeks ago tonight that my brother was traveling a mile and a half from his house, a beautiful evening with a beautiful girl. He grinned in embarrassment when we teased him about her. His wore his feelings on his sleeve like a school boy.

Not a moment sooner, not a second later, a young deer jumped out from the ditch, landing on his fender, changing our world forever.

Apparently, his front tire locked up. The next moments I don't even want to begin to envision.

Craig was the oldest of my three brothers. My big brother who made it all better and rigged me up my own moped just weeks after I could ride a bike. I can't even try to explain to you, to wrap up in words who he was. And who he was to me.

He loved life. He love the mountains. It is where he truly found God. Not confined in a pew or lost in politically correctness. He was transparent and lived free. Free of expectations, religion, and much of the junk that I choose to carry.

(( Wait my baby fell asleep!- Well not my baby, my borrowed baby!! - She is such a doll, but anyway..))

So here is the deal folks:

I have to be changed.

I have to be.

I can not walk through this life and not be changed by him. By this. God has given me the ability to live my life fully, at least for today.

So, I have begun my Craig's list.

No, although I have been temped to sell everything I own, it's not the typical Craig's list.

It's something like this:

7 things I want to change/become/do
in honor of who Craig was and in knowing my home is not HERE. This life is infact temporary. And this pain is momentary.
Cause soon :) I am going home.

One moment in Bulgaria, we were traveling on a bus and were inches from hitting a semi head on. In the words of Harold: "we were almost promoted- either you believe it or not."

So it has begun, the beginning stages of my list. My Craig's list.
In the words of Lava girl and Shark boy, "Dream a better dream, and work to make it real."

So all I got for you tonight is #1:

1. Learn to play the guitar well. :)

Happy Birthday Bel!

2008-10-02T14:09:00.000-07:00

Lately I haven't been in the blogging world, mainly because I have been having a difficult time in the real world. It's just been really hard to figure out where to go from here.

The first visitor when she was born was her uncle Craigy. She stole his heart, maybe cause she is so very much like him.

SIX years ago Belly was born. Craig's little "Tinker".

Happy Birthday my Lovely little girl!

faith

2008-09-15T11:23:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about faith a lot lately. How does one live out a life of reckless abandonment to Christ alone? How do we throw down the attachments to this world to live the promised life today- before we actually see it?

I love the connection between faith and actions. It's almost as mysterious as a marriage union. How two are one, yet remain individuals.

When Abraham placed Issac on the alter he had to do just that, place him. Knowing that in faith God could raise him back from the dead, if He chose to.

It was an if-then. If you step out in actions/faith, I will bless you, I will reveal myself to you, you will be my people and I will be your God.

I love the story of Moses. I can relate so much to this guy who keeps insisting that he doesn't have what it takes. I wonder really what it felt like to leave the security of his acreage in the wilderness, packing up his family, leaving his in laws and community to go back to a land he fled. Not knowing how they would respond, thinking he would fumble with his words, and knowing they knew his sin. But seeing that God's people needed deliverance. Deliverance from the bondage that entrapped them.

Talk about faith in action. Action in faith. Living the unseen.

Call me a dreamer. But I think God has instilled things in us. I think sometimes we are afraid to question. Afraid to act. Afraid of what faith in the unseen looks like. Because it's unseen. What is God doing in this generation?

If -then.

It's kinda weird. When we finally see the unseen, see the promised land, our opportunity to live in faith will be gone.

Hebrews11:1-2
The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It's our handle on what we can not see. The act of faith is what distingished out ancestors, set them above he crowd.

Another Bulgaria Moment

2008-09-05T07:37:00.000-07:00

I have published like a kabillion posts on Bulgaria and yet if feels like I have only touched the tip.. It's so hard to capture the way that God revealed Himself to us by seeing His world in this tiny way. After going, all of the fears in the preparation seem so insignificant. From childcare to finances, God lavished Himself on our family.

Yet one of the ways that I wished that I would have prepared more is in the language barrier.

The first day that we were there, my luggage was lost :). So I did what every American girl does without a suitcase, I went to the store. Not to buy clothes, well, not yet anyway. To buy the other item girls can't live without, shoes.. no, tampons.

The closest thing I found to a stuff mart was the tiny little water/chocolate/cigarette store under our hotel. Since tampons are such a hot stealing item, I finally found them tucked away nicely under the glass counter.

Hum... There was an over abundance of little packages beneath the glass. How I just wanted to grab the one that I needed, separated from a layer of glass. I tried to pointed in the direction of the pink one that I wanted.
Wait, they were all pink, is there something to that mentally? Is it comforting to grab a package each month in the official girl color-trimmed in teal..?

I pointed, I grunted, I shook my head in every direction. (Side note: yes and no in Bulgarian head nodding is opposite of America.) When all else failed I apologized. And she looked at me like I was a crazy lady.

She had enough. She pulled every.single.package of feminine products from beneath her pretty glass counter. I almost went from owning very few "personal" belongings in the city of Stara Zagora to spending my entire budget on enough girl products to meet the needs of the city.

"Neh, neh," I shook my head. I shook my head the other direction, just in case.

But that's when God sent her. The young giggling girl behind me. As I looked back, I realized she was the front of a long line of irritated, yet somewhat amused gawkers/customers. I didn't do a very good job of representing America to this small crowd. This sweet girl was sent by the Lord above. She sweetly helped me pick out my pretty box and tell the lady in Bulgarian, that no, I didn't just want to take them all.

She grinned and had another laugh as I said goodbye.

Note to self: Next trip, learn the language. Or at least the necessities.

dreamin..

2008-09-04T11:38:00.000-07:00

come with me!

(maja is hyperventilating!)

"Ganda"-Oli

2008-08-30T10:35:00.001-07:00

We are a house of sickies this week. I don't know where the bug originated, but it definitely bit, jumping from one of us to the next. Which has given me an opportunity to socialize with our new computer, difficult for this tech challenged woman. I never realized that my template has been going nuts! Not sure really what to do with it all, sorry. We have watched a zillion or so movies. And tried to do everything from within the reach of the couch.

So we have decided something. We are going to Africa for two weeks in February! Big surprise.. eh? So as most of you know, we have been going through a midlife crisis since well, maybe a year ago. The whole Des Moines situation originated it. It sounds like watergate or something, hehe. I guess it made us realize that giving up anything for Christ sometimes means your own logical plans. We never know what's around the next corner, any one of us. Since the situation, or the scandal, or the breaking point, hehe, God has changed our thought process in about every way. You already got an earful in the previous post on politics. And just so you know: we could so live in an rv for a year with five kids, Gus, and Chumley. We could. See what I am saying about midlife crisis?

It all started just weeks after we decided that we wouldn't take the job in Des Moines. If I told most people that God spoke to me in the shower, they would source it back to high school. But see, your not normal people. Your blogging people, and since most of you know me in the real world, and you know how nuts I really am, you'll understand. So- here we go: I was just taking a shower, thinking about, well taking a shower. And the word "Uganda" struck my mind. And all I could think about was Uganda. Where is Uganda? What about Uganda? What a fun word...

Try it with me, slow and deep, UUUgaaannda.

Ok, so I am loosing you again.

That's when things started to get crazy. Josh jumped on the wagon, which made things 1000xs more crazy. Did I tell you that the kids are learning Swahili in school this year? haha. Ailah has been running around calling Chumley "Paka". Which is cat- see, you may actually gain information from this post!

And so, the middle of February we are going to Uganda. Why? That's where things get hairy. And if I were going to be the type of person who didn't lay things out there, I wouldn't tell you. But then there is the whole last post. I could tell you that it's a missions trip. And it is in a way. Or a conference, cause it is. Or that we are going to hang out at orphanages. And that we get to meet one of the daughters that we sponsor. But am I really being transparent?

Disclaimer: God alone knows.

But we are praying about spending a few years in Uganda. Hum.

And you all say. Wow, I never would have guessed.

2008-08-28T15:15:00.000-07:00

Each time that any one of us team members would say her name, we would have a big grin across our face. Marina was the most influential person I met in Bulgaria. She about made me pee my pants at first. She intimidated me with her gruff loud voice and how forward she was. She was the one that decided wimpy me in flip flops couldn't play soccer at the orphanage with her and her boys. Later I realized, she spared me my life.

Little by little she won my heart. With each instruction, I noticed her genuine and transparent love for each of the boys. Watching how they responded, in laughter with and at her, but with the utmost respect. She had earned it side by side with them. I watched her selfless commitment in coming to the gyspy villages and other orphanages with us. I wondered how many times it took her to learn more than just each of their names, but who they were.

I soon found out her role in the church in Bulgaria. How behind the scenes her leadership is foundational. At camp, she was responsible for accounting for everyone. At she did so thoroughly, dancing until four each morning, up at seven singing karaoke with the roma. I think about leadership ideals in America. And I think about Marina. Her training, her calling, is to be who God alone calls her to be in the very fashion God created her to be- Marina. Marina's past could entrap her, and I am sure at times it does, but she really believes that Jesus is the key, and He has set her free, and more importantly, she is who God created her, good and bad- Marina.

What did God show me in Bulgaria, personally? Honestly, He is still jacking with my heart. Sometimes I feel like a bad boob job- wondering why I am being so fake. Why I feel that I can't say "boob job" on my blog. It is my blog. I mean as Christians, we should be happy with who God created us as, without stitches and tucks. But how often do we look and others and say, oh how I wish that I was just a little more calm like she is? Snip snip.

If I were to truly go naked in the world, would it matter? What drives me anyway? Or who? Sometimes I just really long to sit in a coffee shop naked (and to be completely clear.. no not physically) and really be who I am with people that are completely totally different from me, for the sake of simply community.

Well, I probably lost you all, all three of you. If not, how about some more transparency:
hum, what about politics? Hehe, the feelings that arise in the word "politics." I hate them. I really know nothing about them, except I think that everyone's got an agenda. And it seems in the passion of politics, that real people are lost. I realize that there is a need for politics, and they arise everywhere, including the church. But the line that is created isn't worth it to me. And yes I have opinions on issues, I care, but I have beaten them back and forth with people, and it's been destructive, which to me, seems to be worse than the issue.

Ok- I'll stop, and save religion for next time.. or maybe just go hit Starbucks, hehe.

2008-08-27T06:07:00.000-07:00

Listen to me, dear brothers and sisters. Hasn’t God chosen the poor in this world to be rich in faith? Aren’t they the ones who will inherit the Kingdom he promised to those who love him?

James 2:5

question of the day:

2008-08-23T11:56:00.000-07:00

If Adam and Eve wouldn't have sinned, would we still have to take baths?
Bummer Noah, sin is a done deal.

Gypsy Village 2

2008-08-22T08:22:00.000-07:00

This village had a church established and seemed to be fairly strong. Pastor Harold from Montana delivered the Word and Josh was able to share his testimony. It was amazing to hear each member of our team's testimonies in God's timing, He seemed to take it and fill it to reach the hearts we were ministering to.
From the moment we arrived my heart was drawn to the men in front of us. They didn't come forward during prayer but I could tell that God was doing something in their hearts. It was a moment of conflict for me, especially since they were men. I looked at Tammy and she at me. In her eyes I could see that God was laying them on her heart as well. I think that Satan has many of the men in bondage to various things and lies. But for two American women to come and lay their hands on them, we had to be sure that it was God. As we finished praying, their eyes were etched in my heart. Us without speaking a word of Bulgarian, and them without understanding a word of English. Just a tiny moment of the trip, yet God values their significance so greatly in His story.After prayer, we headed outside with bags full of Bazooka Bubble gum. And no, I couldn't translate the Bazooka song very well, I threw in the towel, but the jingle is in your head isn't it? This sweet mommy came up to me. Many times in the gypsy culture, there are arranged marriages and for girl many times it is as young as 14 or 15. It was hard sometimes to give the babies a treat, when you want to love on the parents just as much. I gave a piece of gum to a young girl, intending it to be for herself. She immediately placed it in her babie's mouth. Paranoid, I know, but I could see her choking and gagging on that hard round pink chunk of whatever it really is and all I could think is: we are in the middle of nowhere, and I just gave a baby a piece of bazooka gum!

After many choking signs, heaving, hands on my throat actions, trying to show her that she needed to give him a small piece, and sounding like a horse saying neh, neh neh, an interpretor finally came by. Praise Jesus. But she and her baby, and her close friend amused by my paincking state, became for a few moments my sisters.

I seriously can't wait to meet our huge family in eternity.

Small Fry

2008-08-21T06:33:00.000-07:00

Isn't this just the cutest little guy ever? As soon as we arrived in Stara Zagora, he was there to greet us. Adorable and cleaver. We were told that many of the street kids and elderly begging usually had a pimp of some sort around the next corner, taking what they were given. They get somewhat of a high off the excitement of meeting new people and receiving gifts and thus would continue on the street if we fed into the problem. But, we couldn't help but love him.

Almost everyday he was there to greet us with this little grin. Some times with his friend, some days with a smoke, one day even being literally kicked out as a stray animal.

Somehow he started calling Nick monkey man complete with the sounds and gestures of a monkey... that one still stumps me, I think I missed something. For a week he wore a stinky sweater in 90 degree weather, covering the cigarette burns on his young skin.

The back of our hotel had couch like chairs and a restaurant outside. Here we would meet to talk, pray, do devotions, and he would stand next to us through it all. He spoke a little English, including "thank you" very clearly. We tried to share Jesus with him through our touch, our actions, and did a rather bad drawing of the resurrection.

But mainly we just prayed. Each time that we gave him five, or touched his matty hair, we prayed for his life, that God would orchestrate his days. That he would know how loved he is. That he would be a man that stood firmly on truth, that he would really know Jesus, that He would recognize His voice from an early age and follow it passionately. That He would be a fire for his generation. Perhaps someday coming to our country sharing the love of his savior.

We as humans want to measure. Measure the success of a missions trip, of a service, of the numbers that laid their life before Christ, the numbers that were healed, or filled with the Spirit. But so much is left unseen. In the unmeasurable we find eternal, seeds that only Christ can mature, and so is my prayer for this incredible little man.

Gyspy Village 1

2008-08-20T12:11:00.000-07:00

So most of the Roma or gypsy culture in Bulgaria is treated as outcasts. There are many emotions with the Bulgarian people in regards to them and the history on both sides has issues. After communism, many people living in small villages or in the country went to work in the larger cities, leaving the elderly and many of the villages unoccupied. This left a place for the Roma to call home, much of it in bad conditions.

Here they have their own world, poor but I found full of joy
and very much alive. The church is trying to break into both cultures and unite the two worlds
in Jesus. They have planted many churches and
are in the beginning of many more.

The first night that we arrived in Bulgaria, on our way to the hotel, we stopped in this village. The church is just beginning to develop. The conditions here we found were one of the best villages, many of their homes made from concrete of some sort. It is very common to have a horse and wagon, and one day some young men tried to race our bus, they were booking right along.

I made the mistake of showing the kids the church camera at the beginning of the service. But they stole my heart.

Our mission transfered in our hearts from Bulgaria to Bulgarians, from a mission to simply loving God's people, and them returning to us love greater than we could comprehend.

Boys' Orphanage

2008-08-18T06:21:00.000-07:00

This was one of my most treasured days on the trip. We went to a boys home in the city of Stara Zagora. Structurally, it was very much what you would picture an orphanage in a previously communist country to look like. But somehow the Spirit of oppression was not with these young men. They were filled with joy that poured out and although we came to minister to them, they ministered to each of us.

Not to mention they played a mean game of soccer, on asphalt! They wouldn't let me play, I think it was obvious that I am a weeny. So I played with two younger boys. They did me in. Exhaustion couldn't devour the desire all three of us had to claim the moment to the fullest, the few hours our lives intertwined until the kingdom of heaven. I wished that my boys could have been there.

This is Cara. She leaves for college today, I miss her already. She was such a gift to all of us. The little guy in the pink onesie was just a hoot, he would be playing the games then abandon them start running around full of life without a care or concern. We could truly see Jesus' hand upon them and through each of them.

This was Josh's pal. He was just about ready to be leaving the orphanage. He could speak a little English!! He was very gentle and God had given him wisdom beyond his years.

The girl in the blue stripped shirt's name is Marina. We first met her here, but she has grown to become a dear sister in Christ. I've got to devote an entire post to her!! She knew each of the boys personally and wasn't going to let the Americans beat her boys at soccer, not that we had a chance.

If this day was our only day in Bulgaria, it would have been a gift. Driving away, the boys waiving and running along our bus, I knew that God did such a work in each of our hearts.

Bananas and Jelly Fish

2008-08-13T12:16:00.001-07:00

In the past two weeks, we have witnessed many moments when God has moved. I have so many that I want to share with you, but this one can't wait.

In an afternoon of free time on the beach, it what seemed like an awesome opportunity to unite brothers and sisters in Christ, we took off flying across the black sea on top of a big inflated banana, Pastor Marvin, Nick, Tammy, Josh, Cara, and I.

It wasn't me really. It was Tammy's fault. She kept telling the jet ski driver to go faster and faster. The crazy woman, braver than most. I cried, I pleaded. I hit her. But with my screaming, the faster it went. Then from behind, the first victim. Nick flew through the air. We immediately slowed down. He signaled to us that he had survived. Then we saw them. Sisters and brothers, cousins, aunts, uncle: a big ol family of jelly fish. Every direction we looked.

Suddenly, we knew we had to get our brother down out fast. He bravely climbed aboard. He was a survivor, with only a small sting. Relief flooded us.

I am not sure if our driver knew that we couldn't communicate with him and in amusement knew he could simply got a chuckle from us ignorant Americans, or if he innocently and unintentionally flipped our banana. But when taking off again, he wrapped the rope under our safe floating fruit. Then gunned his throttle. Within a few moments, we were all plummeting into the sea. Into the jelly fishys.

If I hadn't ever related to Dori from Nemo before, I did at this moment. Our bodies stiff, trying to float above them. Just keep floating, floating. They were everywhere, and we were scattered among them, big and little, hundreds of them. We were like a banana split scattered in a bunch of sprinkle toppings.

But God was faithful and delivered us all back safely to our yellow refuge. And we flew across the sea back to the beach. Tammy in disappointment that the ride was over, me in relief. Don't let her sweet spirit fool you, she is crazy indeed!! What an adventure.

Tomorrow we begin the trip to come home, traveling to Sofia and Friday flying home. Thanks for all of your prayers and love, see you all soon!!

disclaimer: i am without spell check, so pretend like you didn't see it.

2008-08-09T12:13:00.001-07:00

Does it make sense to have internet access in a tent?? Apparently, it doesn't rain much here.

Notes to one's self:
1. Toliet paper is good
2. Squatting is not as much fun as it sounds
3. Communists don't know squat about hotel construction
4. Ben would freak out at the electrical code- or lack thereof (only josh would notice)
5. Wasps don't fry in 230 volts
6. Salt water is really salty
7. Speedos rock. Well, not really.
8. I can't wait to start youth and actually talk to the kids!!!

Good night.
Good morning from the black sea.

2008-08-08T10:45:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone!!! We are in Starra Zagora!! The count has been on for so long, and here we are a week into the trip!! I could write a book about the things that God has been doing and showing us. I think the hardest has been wrapping our arms around the children and rubbing their sweet faces, and then having to say good-bye. Knowing that we may never see them again until the kingdom of Heaven. Be prepared for many many pictures of the most beautiful children, the biggest brown and sparkling green eyes!! Tomorrow we travel to the black sea to run a youth camp. Camp on the Black sea, Shanda- you need to come!!!

Pastor Marvin celebrated his birthday. I don't think we were the same as having his wife and family to celebrate with!! But we did rig him up a cake, sort of. Note to self: learn Bulgarian, cake vs. boxed cake mix.

Homesick?? Josh really really wants a burrito from Pablos with extra beans and Hy-Vee breakfast. You can pray. We both miss five crazy little kids, but know that God has them covered.

Be prepared for our return. Much of our communication is now done through grunts, drawing, and charades. Evolution?- Bah!

Thanks for your prayers and love!! Dobervecher!! Chow, chow!! ~mel and josh

Bulgaria, yikes!

2008-07-31T06:59:00.000-07:00

It's almost here. And I am actually speechless. I have been trying to cram every possible minute into spending time with the kids and well.. packing. Which is rather insane. If I was really ambitious to unpack my camera, I would take a photo of the 9 suit cases and 2 backpacks floating around my house. But then I'd be going backwards, which right now is not good.

Please pray, because I am completely expectant on God. Pray that the kingdom of God is impacted, and that He receives Glory through all that we do. Please pray for our kiddos too, they are a little on the freaked out side. I remember that feeling as a kid, I wish I could protect them from it, but I know overall God can and will meet their needs so much better than I ever could.

Also, there is a little guy that's been on my heart and I was wondering if you would pray for him. His name is Stellen. His mommy can be found here.

See you all in 2 weeks!!! (unless I get an opportunity to post!!)
love to you all-mel!!

the count continues..

2008-07-27T15:12:00.000-07:00

so as of today there are *four* days left until dutadaduh Bulgaria. i thought that i have been relatively clam, somewhat sane. but apparently my subconscious has revealed my true inner emotions.
i love sunday naps. love them. love them like elf loves maple syrup. so my wonderful husband woke me up, who love the Lord, was also given the gift of nap loving. and immediately i had to giggle. call it stress, call it attacks, but my dreams are revealing that my cheese has officially slid off it's cracker. and i only had a half of piece in the beginning.

and so it all started something like this:
i was in the back row of church. at my church. and i was surrounded by a bunch of people. one of them was ang and she was singing during worship most beautifully. then i realized that our executive pastor of ministry development (impressed, that i think i got that correct??) - he was all standing there with you know- his dreads- all the way down his back. it intrigued me so that he was able to curl them into perfect spirals. if you know him, you would know that in realty- he does not have dreads, actually- he doesn't have hair, and i think i may have knew that in my inner knower, but yet it was so real, the dream, the hair. and as i admired his locks, i passed out string cheese to everyone around me, finally asking him how- how could you spiral curl dreads so perfectly?

you see- apparently everyone else around me wanted to know this as well and was intrigued by his do. but our senior pastor wasn't the least big amused by the slight hair interruption, and he brought the mic out for us to share .... you remember these days in school- if you have something to share that is so important, please share with the whole class, well maybe not, but i was naughty, *cough*.... he concluded that it may be a good idea for each of us to sing a little note for the congregation. it was very beautiful, like in the sound of music, pretty little notes dancing through the sanctuary. i hid behind the small crowd, knowing my turn was coming.

yet i was spared! ..and this is when it gets really weird and crazy, you may want to stop here...

he, my pastor, gave me tap dancing shoes and with a blink of an eye (well, not literally, i was sleeping still) somehow i was on center stage. coming from backstage to join me came what had to be a "professional" dancer. she was so elegant, and mesmerized us all. as i watched her do her routine, my mind scrambled. i can almost do the chicken dance, i still struggle with the bazooka bubble gum dance- which by the way, you must learn! i have bazooka bubble gum packed, shhh!(i tried to post a utube, but it didn't work. so u gotta go check it out there to learn the moves.) getting back to the gripping scene.. how was i going to tap dance? it was either going to be a complete failure, or... God was going to supernaturally give me the ability to dance like none other! suddenly, i got really excited. i pictured myself gliding across the stage, amusing the audience with my skills as i tapped away. she motioned that it was my turn. and i danced. and danced.

at first she tried to show me that what i was doing wasn't the planned program. that it wasn't "right." i tried to understand. and then i think she just gave up. and that's when i really began. i let go, and danced away! she attempted to catch me on my jumps- yes jumps. oh how i looked ridiculous. but i felt so free! and i was a dancer, if only for a moment. and with my final leap, i soared off the stage.

well actually plummeted into the audience. what was the reaction going to be, a standing ovation? just as i was ready to pull myself together for my encore, crowd yelling. did they really like me? but then i hear them: "should we take away her shoes?"

and my pastor's response? "take them quickly!!"

i should have been disappointed. i stunk. i stunk way bad. they took away my shoes for goodness sake. but somehow i was so excited. i was dancing if only for my King! is that how David felt?

maybe it had a hidden meaning, that when God or your Pastor calls you to dance, do it onto the King!... even if everyone else chokes on their string cheese! or maybe it's about dreads, curly curly dreads. Or maybe it's about the excitement welling inside, *4* days!!! Now that's real crazy.

2008-07-24T10:11:00.000-07:00

journalling from a seven year old's perspective

7/23/2008
s:
James 1:12
Blessed is the man who preservers under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.

o:
He His teling me wen I get in hevin I will rusev the croun uv life.

a:
so wen God tels me sufing theat is hard I shood stile doo it.

p:
I pray that you will bles evrebudy in the holl werld.

7/24/2008
s:
Isaiah 41:10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

o:
I am ois with you.

a:
God is teling me I don't nede to wery becuas he is ois with me.

p:
I pray you will bles the atherkin (african) kids and grase and edwerd.

*note: spelling abilities directly reflect those of his teacher.

a new do:

2008-07-18T16:56:00.000-07:00

each time i was pregnant i had an urge to do something different with my hair. maja was the initial chop. noah went even shorter.. like crazy short. bel was bleach blond with a perm. and when i got pregnant with oli, i vowed not to cut my hair until he was in kindergarten. and i stuck with it, well, kinda except for when i fried it off with the whole pink episode last summer. and well he just turned four. which leaves me with the same hairdo for four years and nine months. straight, long, thin. and it has been fun. but, 30 is around the corner and a girls gotta grow up right. not really, but change, yes.
he's not in kindergarten yet , but with homeschooling, i guess i could say he is right? so i did it. i was cleaning up supper, decided, and went. to the first place. compulsive. so here it is:

since i always have it pulled back, it will probably look the same, even minus the length. but it is complete with a highlight, by my husband. (pat on the back josh) I know, I know, never do that. but when one's compulsive, stand back.

i have always lacked in a sense of style. carpet took me five minutes to pick out: soft and squishy.

as a kid my hair was short and boy like, like me. occasionally an orphan annie fro, when my mom held me down and tortured me.

then there is the subject of clothes. from tomboy then into highschool: vintage grunge. and then my first job at the bank: old people uniforms, ugh!! i turned 70 overnight. i need help people.

and today that was apparent. i can not believe i am even telling you this. in a hurry to gather the kids, lunch, and pool stuff for swimming lessons, apparently i placed my swimsuit top on inside out. don't laugh too much, i realized it. after spending two hours in it. hehe. oh dear.

have a wonderful weekend!

Ken Lee

2008-07-17T20:20:00.001-07:00

this is bulgaria's music idol.
it's what i am going to sound like trying to speak their language, but without the red dress. hehe.

transparency.

2008-07-16T19:44:00.000-07:00

Where is that line. It's something I've always struggled with. When to put yourself out there and when to sit aside and quietly watch. I do both too frequently.

My heart is breaking tonight. The #1 reason. I don't think I can go to an orphanage. I don't think I can do it. Will me being there make a difference? Why is there such a thing as an orphanage anyway? Honestly? It rips my heart out. Soon I will learn that it isn't a far away thought.

How many times I have heard of starving children in far away lands that I could send the remainder of my unfinished dinner to. I remember seeing the photos of the Holocaust in Jr. High, wondering how it could happen. My heart beating in pain for their faces and torment.

What about an 8 year old little girl selling herself for bread to feed her siblings. What did she do to deserve it? I turn my cheek at her pain, and as I do, she contracts HIV and dies within 3 years. The orphanages already too full for her and her sisters. The drugs too expensive for her parents and now her.

Things are tough sometimes. We have dealt with stinky deep water. I didn't have to drink it. So many times we turn our backs on justice, saying America needs us here. And they do. America needs Jesus.

I don't think it's a dream. I don't think it's a donation. I don't think it's a mission. It's simply justice. It's not about our leftovers.

So you say: what are you doing?? I don't know. But I do know that there are kids out there who simply want someone to tell them they are loved and that God has a purpose and a plan for them. Here and in Africa. My heart turns inside, because I feel as I do nothing. Some days I just want to pack and go. I want to go to the drug representatives as Moses did to Pharaoh and say: Let God's people go! Delivering them from politics and profits. But most days I just wait on Him.

Guess I am a dreamer. Hey, I have something to add to my bucket list. When I have it all worked out, I'll get back to you.

Thanks for listening. I'll let you know about the trips to the orphanages.

Hollywood

2008-07-14T20:17:00.000-07:00

Number 4. Ollie: aka: Hollywood. His Sunday school teacher thought that maybe he should re-snap his dress shirt and leave the look for Hollywood, but apparently he enjoyed his new title as he ran through the gym with his shirt open proudly proclaiming, "I'm Hollywood."

We have tried to jam as much pool time and real summer into the past few weeks as possible! Only *17* days before we leave!

Bulgaria Countdown...

2008-07-09T22:39:00.000-07:00

Tonight I stood behind a beautiful Bosnian family at stuff mart. Apparently, they too needed plastic bags filled with stuffs. I realized how little I know about why they fled to America, about their story. As I asked them, the language barrier soon deterred our conversation. Yet their infant son's beautiful eyes and smile spoke more than a thousand words.

I was at T's house the first time I heard about Bulgaria. I had just told her that we weren't moving, seems God hadn't open the door that even the loudest prayer and cries couldn't knock down. We were empty. It had been an emotionally long haul. I was ready to hibernate for a few years, do some rethinking. We knew that had been obedient, yet strangely the result wasn't our goal or vision. Relieved in some aspects, confused in others. But without any direction at all.

Her basic response was: "Great, you should go to Bulgaria. I'll keep the kids."

At first I thought she was just insane. I didn't even know where Bulgaria was.

And so I stewed. For a long time. I think Josh was convinced way before me. I had already thrown myself into one thing, I wasn't about to jump into something else. I have wanted to go on a mission's trip since I was around 8, before I even had a mission. But to Bulgaria? We committed our hearts a few years ago to a trip and it was cancelled. Then there were the finances. Did I mention that I spent the past summer packing and planning, only to unpack?? So it went back and forth.

Basically it came down to this little nudge, knowing that God asked me to go. I didn't know why. I didn't know what I could offer. I didn't even know for sure that I could trust God.

I checked with T again about the kids, seeing if she was for reals about this: I will take and care for and love your children. And with Shawn. Then, I knew that they were insane.

I guess we were a go...

I tell you this all because it has been insane. The emotions of leaving the kids, the planning (want a dog?), the finances, and then the flood thingy. But mainly insane: God's love and how He lavishes Himself on us. I tell you that I have light understanding of God and how He works, because I really really do. There is no tangible logic to how everything has and continues to work out.

I read of a man in Africa who ran an orphanage and when asked how He knew without doubt that God would provide and bless it, he said, "He has to, it's all for Him, it's all for His glory." Yes, he had struggles, he had sacrifices, and continues to. But God moved.

In Bulgaria, we will be running a VBS, visiting orphanages, hospitals, having services, and ministering to the gypsy culture. I know exactly one word of Bulgarian. Yet, it didn't seem to matter to the little Bosnian guy that I met earlier. I am unqualified. And yet I know that whatever God has started in me, He will complete.

I am so not a confident person. Basically a big dork as most of you know. But I know that this work that He has established is for Him, for His glory alone.

I am so anxious to see their faces, to know their homeland, to see their stories. To share with them my story. How I became a daughter of a king and my prayer, to see others join the family.

Did I mention to you that I got a pretty new shiny backpack at stuffmart, well actually Target, but it's like stuffmart in the way of stuff. So, I am good to go! Well, except for those head pillow wrap things for the plane, which I am not sure that I am sold on... and it's 2 am and I think I have had too much starbucks...

2008-07-08T14:45:00.000-07:00

ok so ang and t tagged me for a meme. and since i am hiding away from my children.. shh.. it seems like a good no brainer for hide away time.

Here we go: All of the answers must be just one word.

1. Where is your cell phone? dunno?
2. Your significant other? nerdball.
3. Your hair? messy
4. Your mother? grandma
5. Your father? someday
6. Your favorite thing? adventures
7. Your dream last night? strange
8. Your favorite drink? water
9. Your dream/goal? difference
10. The room you’re in? quiet
11. Your church? family
12. Your fear? crawlspace
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? africa
14. Where were you last night? home
15. What you’re not? normal
16. Muffins? brownies
17. One of your wish list items? backpack
18. Where you grew up? country
19. The last thing you did? killedthedog
20. What are you wearing? sweats
21. Your TV? bunnyears
22. Your pets? one (t-take the other!!)
23. Your computer? ill
24. Your life? crazy
25. Your mood? odd
26. Missing someone? earl
27. Your car? boat
28. Something you’re not wearing? mittens
29. Favorite store? oldnavy
30. Your summer? starting
31. Like (love) someone? bunches
32. Your favorite color? brown
33. Last time you laughed? t
34. Last time you cried? here
35. Who will re post this? ??

do question marks count? well i guess you can't really fire me.

i tag andrea!!

2008-07-07T08:20:00.001-07:00

I really like Psalm 73. This guy finds the words my heart longs for. I love the last verse, But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds.

I wonder if this guy was anything like myself. When I tried to understand all this, it was oppressive to me till I entered the sanctuary of God.

Some days I sit in the outer court and bang my head against the door, longing to get in. Looking at my social oddities, my compulsions, my failures as a daughter, my doubts. All that banging around. Longing to get into the inner sanctuary, failing to ask.

How unlogical He is. How I try to understand. Failing to just bask in His faithfulness and character and love. Crazy to think really that He shall be our portion forever. Not fema, not even religious institutions. He alone.

Somehow I have to tattoo this on my heart:
Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

home

2008-07-03T06:29:00.000-07:00

the homeowners association in our neighborhood consists of the following members:
fowdie
opie
woody
butch
moe

recently it was called to my attention that my curbside was filled to their regulations. apparently, you can only have an alloted amount of appliances.

actually, the water heater pick up men are clearing them out fast, goodbye to everyone's new lawn ornament.

our lawn length regulations are specifically: when your neighboring home has grass exceeding your liking: mow it.

a recent photograph of our street

politically our neighborhood is kinda dominated by the hilary clinton loving signs across the street. i don't think anyone else really cares. but they really love the lady.. wait she's done.. right?

we have had volunteers from every religion in swinging a hammer together. and the schriner man who almost ran over our daughter with his winnebago.

speaking of winnies. many of their homes have been so damaged that if they are fixable they are going to move in a winnie for months until they can rebuild. wait, is that neighborhood code?

have i told you guys yet about the african house on the corner? seems they are attending a local college, josh is stalking them. literally. he won't leave them alone. nerd.

when your matching rubber boots are all wading through bacteria sludge together, the oddities disappear. instead of your goofy labels, you have people. real people with hurts and crazy gifts and approaches. and suddenly you can't live without them.

i laugh, for God placed us exactly where we fit. well sorta. all except the whole secret code pin thing, cause i don't think i get that.

2008-07-01T06:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Maja,
I remember thinking, what do I do with this beautiful baby girl with the fullest lips I have ever seen? How do I become a mommy to you? But God had a plan for you honey, God knew I was lacking in so many things. But He fills every gap with Himself. He is going to walk with you so many places, each day I watch in amazement as your adventure with Him unfolds. He speaks into your heart in ways I have yet to understand. Happy birthday to my baby, my crazy firstborn baby!
Love, Mommy

da month of june: recap

2008-06-28T19:55:00.000-07:00

And I thought that last summer was crazy!

This is Josh. He is all graduated. Yipee! Way to go!!

We came home to this!!! Cray-zee! I had no idea what water could do to a community. We are just back into our home but it is really oddly dark with so many houses still empty. God has been so faithful.

(but it was kinda fun boating through town, which is an entire story in itself.)

This be Josh and I. After t's crazy 80s birthday. Boy did he look good with a mohawk! The 20th was our 10 year anniversary! And to celebrate? A waterpark of course.. as if we didn't have enough water!

Ollie turned the whooping four years old. We brought the kids to Wall E tonight. It was Ailah's first movie. ( Bad idea.) Each time the little robot would say "Wall E" in his cute little voice, Ailah would yell, "Ollie" though the theater. Happy Birthday little man.

Dairy Queen and the pool have opened. Summer is here. Which means.. we leave in less than five weeks till Bulgaria. Oh my.

no more water.

2008-06-25T20:40:00.000-07:00

we have electricity.
we have hot water.
we almost have a house to live in!
yipee!

i have 201 blogline feeds to read!

beauty.

2008-06-05T06:49:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago a questioned came up at girl's bible study:
who do you really admire as beautiful?

Yesterday at the doctor's office, our 2 year old was drawn to the most beautiful of ladies. Earline was born and raised on a cotton farm in Mississippi. She struggled raising her five children alone in Chicago. Life had taken her many places before sitting beside me. Ailah immediately knew she was beautiful, seeing through her aged body and gruff voice. She played with and loved my baby for over an hour, sharing with me many struggles and much heartache throughout her life, and her trust in Jesus. She is truly one of the most beautiful women I have ever met.

Last night our youth pastor gave more than an incredible message, it jumped out and grabbed my heart. He talked about how many facts we know about public figures.

Even Christian public figures. Seriously, did you know that Toby Mac has 4 children? Two which are twins. He lives in Tennessee. He is going to be at Sonshine festival this year, with John Rueben. Who by the way is only a couple days older than me.

But when I went to both of their concerts, neither one called my name out of the crowd. It didn't matter how much I knew about them, they didn't know me. I was a nobody to them. Is it that way with Jesus? Do I know a lot about Him and even like Him a whole bunch. Or do I share my life with Him everyday as my friend, as if a king or a president was in my presence, calling out to me, "Melanie, my friend, get on over here!"

I know so much about this actor or that- but how about the "least"? How do we know them? Do orphaned faces make the cover of People magazine, "look at those cute little dreads or her scared big beautiful eyes! "

How many times have I tried to be the beautiful that I have pictured in my little head. Have I thought that I was what I weighed or wore, or was gifted in?

What is beautiful to me? Where do I see it? The adorable. The successful. The famous. The talented.

Earline was raised in segregated Mississippi. MLK words," I have a dream that even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heart of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice. I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character. I have a dream today!"

Sometimes I think the lies that entrap me about beautiful hold me down, bind me with strings and ropes and chains. Not allowing me to love as Ailah loved and be blessed by Christ reflecting through Earline. Do I dare stretch MLK words to "to live in a world where they will not be valued by the world's image of beauty, color of skin, or continent of birth, but by their identity in their Creator?"

2008-06-01T17:47:00.000-07:00

I have so been wanting to write another post about Africa. In light of the fact that I have only been there through the pages of books, I feel that my perspective is inadequate, and that I only can touch the tip of the pandemic that is destroying God's people there. Huge sentence, I realize.
Yet, in looking at the hopelessness on the faces of the tragedy that has recently effected a nearby community, my heart breaks. It wonders why. I can place names and faces and family members on the loss here. I can somewhat understand. Not completely, but my heart grieves for them and I can tangibly see their heartache. The Chapmans, and an incredible testimony of trust and praise even in the storm here. It makes me cry, God this really really sucks. It does. Don't think that I doubt you, but You have left me lost.

The following is my own heart's cry for Africa. I do not pretend to know all the years of political agendas and instability of each country. However, today I heard a comment about the country of China, pertaining to the earthquake which alluded to, "there is too many people there anyway, they just need to be fixed."

My stomach turned. It was so easy to see the judgement in the comment and selfishness, and ignorance.. But how many times have I blocked my emotions to the empty faces and longing eyes for hope and concluded, it's just too big. I can't help a continent. I can't. There are just too many people there.

Too many priceless, God woven, soul filled individuals who are just like my neighbors, facing a hopeless and pain filled situation, and I am silent. And if I knew their names, and if I saw their faces, could I turn away?

There are like a billion numbers and statistics floating around. In Kenya and Zambia 6% of woman are infected with HIV by 15, 13% by 16, 20% by 17, 24% by 18, 30% by 19, and 40% by 20. Twelve million African children have lost one or both of their parents to AIDS. Swaziland had and HIV infection rate in 2004 of 42%. The young adult age is simply disappearing because of AIDS. Leaving an older generation who is dying and countries filled with children left to hopeless abandonment. Girls faced with a decisions no one should ever face. If only there was political agenda that had interests in people, real people. If each of these statistics were recognized as a person.

I wonder: who looks at her as a gift the way our daughters are lavished on? The little girl whose mother desperately wanted to see her baby grow. But was robbed of the joy of motherhood too soon, without the arms of safely to leave her child. Her father never even seeing her face, for AIDS left him without hearing the words, "Daddy." Where is his girl? ? My closet itself a bigger refuge than she has have ever obtained. What words of encouragement and tenderness and hope can the street children offer, or the ten other children that fill her garbage built hut? Someday my own little girls and boys are going to ask me, "mom what did you do?" More than them, my Lord is going to ask.

I am not laying a guilt trip today. But I am in a similar place as the tornado and loss, saying: this really sucks. I am heartbroken once again and lost.

We are called to be His, His hands and His feet, to be His agenda. Yet, are we looking into the faces of His people, looking for Him in everyone we meet? Where have we missed Him? When I have I turned away?

My daughter- Odd??

2008-05-28T07:06:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite movies is Disney's Beauty and the Beast. Belle didn't fit the mold of the community that she lived in. Belle was filled with dreams but the village people questioned her, thinking she was beautiful, but peculiar.
She goes home to questions her father to see if he thinks she is odd. He comes out from beneath his invention, with great googly eyed glasses on and questions, "My daughter, odd? Where would you get an idea like that?"

This morning I was reading from the book "Messy Spirituality," by Michael Yaconelli.

He refers to a story actually found in another book by Robert Fulghum called Uh-Oh. I will paraphrase it. It's about an elementary class that is performing the spring play Cinderella. The teacher distributes the parts to the students, making up various extra parts to include all the students. All except a boy named Norman. He still needed a part, so Norman declared he would like to be the pig. His teacher questioned, "Pig? There is no pig in Cinderella." "There is now," declared Norman. And Norman became a barking pig. Yep, barking. He followed Cinderella around throughout the play filled with emotion. Then danced with joy when the prince carried Cinderella off at the end.

Seemingly an insignificant story. How many teachers would be annoyed with a student wanting to do this? Yet at the curtain call, he received a standing ovation for his barking pig. Odd? Yes. But Norman refused to believe he had no place.

Yacolelli goes on to say, this is how Jesus was. He didn't fit into the Pharisee's script. The script they had written for the messiah didn't threaten their religion, break the rules, act so irresponsibly, disregard his reputation, or befriend riffraff. But Jesus reply was "This messiah does." Our churches aren't filled with exclusively beautiful Cinderellas. But dancing barking pigs who follow the real Cinderella wherever he goes. Filled with odd inspiring, an earthly assortment of Jesus' followers. Sameness is a disease.

Sameness is the cemetery where out distinctiveness is buried. In the sea of sameness, no one has an identity. But Christians do have an identity, We're aliens! We are the odd ones, the strange ones, the misfits, the outsiders, the incompatibles. Oddness is a gift from God and sits dormant until God's Spirit gives it life and shape. Oddness is the consequence of following the one who made us unique, different, and in his image!

I don't know if stand alone in feeling odd. Perhaps. But I think that often we feel isolated in our oddities. The world expects churches to and services to be perfect. Yet here where the grayness the world would like to to trap us, is where Jesus paints: bright, beautiful, odd colors.

It is not going to be easy to listen to God's call. Your insecurity, your self-doubt, and your great need for affirmation make you lose trust in your inner voice and run away from yourself. But you know that God speaks to you through your inner voice and that you will find joy and peace only if you follow it.
Henri Nouwen, The Inner Voice of Love

His Daughter- odd? You bet I am. But isn't this where Belle's story is found?

From one religious camp we're told that what God wants is obedience, or sacrifice, or adherence to the right doctrines or morality. Those are the answers offered by conservative churches. The more therapeutic churches suggest that no, God is after our contentment, or happiness, or self-actualization, or something else along those lines. He is concerned about all these things, of course, but they are not his primary concern. What he is after is us- our laughter, our dreams, our fears, our heart of hearts.
Brent Curtis and John Eldredge, The Sacred Romance.

2008-05-23T12:44:00.000-07:00

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens Brown paper packages tied up with strings These are a few of my favorite things

Cream colored ponies and crisp apple streudels Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings These are a few of my favorite things Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes Silver white winters that melt into springs These are a few of my favorite things

Can't you see them dancing around in their green curtain dresses? Love that movie. So today as I sit here at, uh, almost 4:00, in my jammies, I am having one of those moments. When suddenly I think, it's time for another list! Tis the season I guess.

My favorite things:

1. Jammies. Of course. And the grace offered by my husband as he comes home from lunch and sees me in them, again. And the gas guy who has seen me way too many times with scary hair and no makeup, and coffee breath.

2. Gus. Who by the way is gianormous now. He actually is not my favorite thing. Well sometimes, but not always. But it is actually his heart. He knows how I suffer when I go to the bottom of the laundry shoot. I love his willingness to want to help by chewing underwear into a spit ball.

3. Jr. Mints. Need I say more? ..Well, actually Josh really wants to go to Indiana Jones tonight. So you know what that means. Yep, Jr. Mints. It is the perfect combo: Jr. Mints, Cherry Coke, and Popcorn. Health freak. ((but without butter Ann!))

4. Community. Yah, sounds strange. Growing up alone as kinda an only child cause I was a "tag" along. Such a dumb term. Anyway, not until now do I really realize that I like people. Actually I really love them. Maybe cause there are so many around me that are so easy to love. Huh, and I have realized that God loves messy people. Which means me. So that's ok. Anyway, I'm rambling. But I love the friends that God has blessed me with.

5. Outdoors. Grass, trees, mountains. God is amazing.

6. Rides. I love them. I can't help but grin ear to ear like an eight year old. The as you fly by the blurry faces of those around you. I am getting excited just talking about it. Come on, who wants to go??

7. Loud Music. The louder, the crazier, the better. I really want to go to a music festival this year. We'll see.

8. Josh. Duh. I had to say him. (or I wouldn't get Jr. Mints!) I hate the way he calls me 15xs a day. But I'd be mad at him if he didn't . I hate the way he always has to be around me. Yah, I'd be mad at him if he didn't. I hate the way he is overly passionate and obsessive, but I love that about him. In a few weeks it'll be 10 years. Crazy. Dorky 19 year olds, what did we know? What did God know? I love him so much more now. I know.. mushy mushy.

9. Yah, I realize that this is a never ending list. I haven't even started with the kids! Like from out of the blue when they start playing the piano and I'm not forcing them to. Well, Ailah does a lot I guess. And playing video games with them and them letting me win. And Panera. How I have brainwashed them into believing it's their favorite place too. And expressions kids do are awesome, like Oli does an great horse face when he's mad. Josh calls him Escaledo. Why don't I focus this stuff instead of on glitter painted bedding??

Ok, I'll stop now or I never will. Have a great weekend everyone. Maybe I'll rent The Sound of Music.

ps: my font is going crazy... i don't know what' s wrong.

help....

2008-05-21T12:20:00.000-07:00

Ok, so i have made it clear that i don't like lists. And after i thought about it, i think it's really the obligation of a list that i don't like. if you don't have one, you can just kinda float through life.. hum. Yah, so there's my problem.

Second problem:
For the last month, at least, I have told my sweet husband to wake me up when he gets up, cause he's all disciplined and stuff. Did i mention that he has a great sense of humor? it goes something like:

"i think i'm going to run in the morning, will you wake me up?"
"sure.... do you want me to really wake you up? "
"huh... i donno, we'll see."

You guessed it. Not once. Not once. i can't do it. and i have to take the blame, cause he tries, he does. But it is just so hard. i am willing to leave my soft, warm cozy bed for a few things, really. but not running. -sidenote, i had an awesome dream the other night that toby mac was leading worship at church and john rueben was standing next to me worshiping. it was fun, well, maja thought it was cool anyway.

i hate running.

Seriously,
it is so bad. bad. bad. bad.
i know there are like a kabillion of you out there who are so awesome and amazing, and i think you have so many skills. And i realize that as you so beautifully run along that you may not be grinning cheek to cheek, that "supposedly" (although i haven't experienced that to actually witness it's truth) the reward is at the end. But how do you do it???!

i remember my freshman year. i spent way too much time dorking off in track. (i know... can't believe it.) but i have never mastered the mental game. All that comes across my mind every. single. step. is "this is not fun!! it really really stinks. this is not fun." kinda like a breathing pattern.

and i wouldn't really care all that much, except there is this part of me, the part that realizes i am not 14 anymore, *cough*, who kinda would like to figure this thingy out. Not to run marathons, or anything crazy like that. But to simply become a "disciplined" adult who can wake up in the mornings, put on my shoes, and at least walk out the door of my house. Even if i just go around the block!

Hey- i guess i have a real list t-

things that i am not good at and that are simply not good:

1. lists
2. running

hum...
i would like to say that tomorrow will be different. but, well, ask josh.

ponderings...

2008-05-19T09:36:00.000-07:00

When we lived in the church we had a neighbor, everyone called him Dicky. Dicky and his wife had the biggest garden. It went along side the entire length of their drive to their big farm house. There to greet you were the dozens of kitties that Dicky loved. On summer days, you would find him zipping down our gravel road to water the flowers at the cemetery across the road.

Alwin was the best old guy. He lived down the road the other direction, his house even bigger than Dicky's. He would come into the bank grinning ear to ear, and I would say, "Alwin, how you doing?" And his response every single time was, "I'm still a kicking." Soon his age started to catch up with him, then it was, "I am still a kicking, but not so high!"

We moved a couple years ago. Alwin died a few years before. Dicky can no longer rides his moped. I just learned as I sat here, that another sweet neighbor is no longer here.

I know.. this is kinda a morbid post. We all grow old right? How do I forget daily though that someday real soon I am going to see Jesus face to face? That someday He will return or I will return to Him.

Quite frankly, I don't get everything about God. He is a big old mystery to me. And that's ok. And much of the time I don't "get" much about myself either. But I am so excited to see Him one day.

Somehow, I don't think the next thing on my list to gain will gain me anything. And the security in living in a safe country will gain me safety. The comfort of my bed will mean nothing to me when I am made aware of the bigger picture.

Somehow we have been robbed of an eternal perspective. I really want to keep on kicking like Alwin until I can't, be tomorrow or years from now, but I want to do so everyday gaining less, less of me. I want to know, really know the Lord. I want to be close to Him, in Africa, Texas, or here.

Anyhum. I guess that's all I was thinking today.

lists

2008-05-12T12:44:00.000-07:00

i know that there are people and other people out there who love "lists". but i. don't. get. them.

actually i totally stink at them. i can see the benefits, really. but they just don't normally work for me. i make the effort to make them, then spend the day trying to find them, probably buried in the toilet paper isle at wal-mart, sabotaged by a toddler.

really, i think i have rebelled against them through the years . i refuse to conform to the pattern of people in my life who live according to them. i call it "freedom" from lists.

except is there "freedom" in lists?? cause when you don't have to think about the things that you are constantly thinking about, then you are free to focus on things you really want to think about instead of stupid little nagging things that you shouldn't' t be wasting your time thinking about anyway that should be on a list. right?

hum.
anyways, i thought i would practice on all of you, my week in *list* form!!

1. this week marks the end of josh's inste. yipeee!!! he has wrapped up every little detail of his last project and it's all done- i am so proud of him!!! no more studying, after 5 year, i officially have him back!! now he can join me on thursday nights when i put the kids to bed at 7, eat lots of yummy chocolate, and watch lost. he.he. ((if i let him!!))

2. i can officially wipe the words, "i'm so tired, not so good at this prayer thingy.." from my memory- and the kids can too, i think they can pretty much do every line. the "drama" is over.. but the crying out to God thingy will go on forever!!
side note: hey, i did buy 2 new "red" suitcases this week for bulgaria!! (20 bucks at younkers, yeh!)

3. my baby is two! i don't know where the last 2 years went. i think i understand now why the baby is called the baby. can't she just stay here??- well at least for just a little while...

4. i am trying to do a garage sale. i thought about posting sign: buy my junk, all proceeds go to injections. but that doesn't really sound too good. injections that are scary, but legal- for missions..

5. the kids have finished their last lessons in school!! and yes, i am still being a dork about next year. why don't you just decide for me already???

6. i bought the book "making the cut" but jillian michaels. it scares me. she really scares me. i think she could beat me up really bad. there goes my gladiator dreams.... but did you see that am gladiator was back this week????.. and oh with good new stuffs...

7. i was so blessed by two testimonies last night of former youth kids. makes me remember what it's all about. that God is still so huge, and that He is passionate, and that He just completely amazes me.

8. there i did it. eight things, not so bad. number 8: have an awesome weekend. in our little dot on the map, it is beautiful. blessings to you. now i am going to officially get off this thingy...